The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus
by Creatively Licensed B
Summary: This friendship makes no sense, but most times the best things never do. A series of oneshots recounting the crazy, usually drunken misadventures of Nicky Russo, Kelly Parker and Austin Tucker. EPIC CRACK-FIC
1. The One Where NKA takes on Lady Gaga

Author's note: This is going to be a series of short oneshots recounting the crazy (usually drunken) misadventures surrounding the me-invented NKA friendship and whatever inspires me on textsfromlastnight . com

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

Austin likes to say the three of them are only friends because they're all so fucking hot. Kelly says she only puts up with them because her being seen with them makes every girl, young and old, gymnast or not, insane with envy, which is, evidentially, her true goal in life. In the words of Kelly Parker herself, "Pshh, who needs an Olympic gold when you have your own hate site of whores that are jealous of you? Shannon Doherty would be proud." Nicky doesn't argue with either, but he knows that they all know there's more to it than that.

They met when they were young, before any of them were ever serious about gymnastics and though they grew up in all different places with Kelly in Denver and Nicky in Boulder and Austin living out of a van, they somehow have this lasting connection. Even more surprising, no one has died or lost an arm yet.

-XX-

_Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that._

-XX-

Surprising as it may be, waking up on the floor of Nicky Russo's Denver apartment, missing a shirt and a shoe, isn't so farfetched when it comes to Austin Tucker. He groans and sits up and he sees Nicky and Kelly still asleep on the bed. Austin finds his shirt…on Nicky and Nicky's shirt on Kelly. Austin rubs the back of his head and laughs to himself. The best thing about training in Boulder isn't just the cute gymnasts to flirt with, but getting to see these two again and convincing them to get shitfaced with him on a weekly basis.

Not because he feels like being a jerk, but because he thinks his friend shouldn't sleep in too long, Austin reaches up, takes Nicky by his muscular calf and yanks him until the dark-haired boy falls off the side of the bed and joins him on the floor with a loud thud. Nicky groans. Austin leans back on his hands and laughs even louder this time.

"Thanks," Nicky murmurs angrily. "Thanks for that."

"Top of the morning to you too, Russo," Austin replies. He's had his fair share of rough nights and now hangovers aren't even a problem anymore. Seeing the way Nicky can't do more than stay there on the floor and stare forward like a zombie, he isn't as fortunate. "Now it's the fun part. Waking Kelly."

Austin bounces to his feet and there he sees Kelly Parker asleep on the bed. She's wearing Nicky's simple, white t-shirt like it's a dress. Her dark brown hair is spewed all across the pillows, hiding all, but her lips and chin. She looks so innocent and peaceful, so un-Kelly Parker. Austin entertains the idea of jumping onto the bed and screaming bloody murder, but the last thing he wants is to have to ice his groin when Kelly gets pissed.

"Kelly," Austin whispers. He rolls onto the bed so he's lying parallel to her and he gently combs her hair away from her eyes. "Kelly…that threesome we had with Nick last night was mind-blowing. Britney Spears should have been playing in the background or some shit… Parker, no joke, you are the best I ever had."

Kelly groans.

Austin smirks. "Ready for round seven?"

"I was drunk last night, not brain-dead. No amount of alcohol could get me to do you without you getting tested first, asshole. Save it for someone who actually takes you seriously…like Kaylie Cruz," Kelly croaks. She keeps her eyes closed and snuggles into the nearest pillow.

Austin chuckles. Kelly Parker is still sharp even hung over and barely awake. It's an admirable quality. That's why Kelly Parker can hang with the boys. Sometimes Austin thinks she's way more of a dude than Nicky. Kelly told him that for the entire first month of being in Denver, Nicky brooded and, as Kelly tells it, _literally cried _over the National Champ. What a wimp.

"Can we not talk about Kaylie Cruz?" Nicky groans from over the side of the bed.

"You know," Kelly murmurs, shifting a bit and yanking a blanket over her petite body. "I just don't understand how you guys _get off_ from thinking about Kaylie Cruz."

Nicky, who comes up to lie on his stomach at the foot of the bed, shakes his head decisively. "We are not talking about this."

"Easy," Austin says, leaning back against the headboard. "She's hot."

Nicky just keeps shaking his head. "Guys, we are _not_ talking about this."

"But, I mean, you've seen her," Kelly says. Her face wrinkles to show her distaste. "She has virtually no boobs, not like gymnasts do besides Keeler. That's one benefit from breaking your back. She has no personality. She dresses like Pepto-Bismol exploded in her closet. She's skinny, like toothpick skinny, like I could probably pick her up and throw her across the room and _look at me._ Ha, now Lauren Tanner, that cow is a different story."

"You do get that we zone you out like five words into your long speech things, right?" Austin asks.

Kelly sighs. "I just don't get how _that_ gives you a hard on."

Nicky glowers at them both.

"Do you not know the meaning of _we are not talking about this_?" he asks exasperatingly.

"Nicky's right," Austin says. "It would be so much easier to understand if you were a lesbian, Parker."

"Fat chance," Kelly snorts. "Speaking of lesbians, it's all really vague and I'd rather not remember, but I swear when we got in last night one of your neighbors or someone was blasting that God-awful Lady Gaga song."

"It's fuzzy, but I remember it to," Nicky adds, happy the topic is no longer Kaylie Cruz.

"Yeah," Austin joins in. "You guys seriously don't remember? Pshh, lightweights. It was Bad Romance. That shit is _still_ stuck in my head right now. We totally called management and made a noise complaint."

"Serves them right," Kelly says. "That song is _so _overplayed."

"Eh, I'd do Lady Gaga," Austin says with a smirk.

Kelly scowls. "You'd do Kaylie Cruz too."

Nicky groans. "Not again…"

-XX-

_Last Night…_

_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!  
Oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!  
Caught in a bad romance  
Rah rah ah-ah-ah!  
Ro mah ro-mah-mah  
Gaga Ooh-la-la!  
Want your bad romance_

Nicky's Denver penthouse apartment is in shambles.

The floor shakes with each note Lady Gaga belts out. A laptop is connected to the surround sound home entertainment system. Nicky, with an uncharacteristically carefree smile, sits back on the couch with a glass of vodka, wearing a gold, Phantom of the Opera mask, petting the house plant beside him. Kelly is standing on the coffee table, wearing a strainer on her head, in a leotard and white leather boots, drunkenly swaying from side to side, "feeling the music." A shirtless Austin is spinning around in circles, belting out the lyrics at the top of his lungs, when he slams violently into the wall. Still, it doesn't stop him from singing his heart out, off-key and all.

_Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!  
Roma-Roma-ma-ah!  
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!  
Want your bad romance_

-XX-

When they finally get cleaned up enough to go to the closest IHOP, Nicky finds all these pieces of paper near the front door.

Noise complaint tickets.

That also explains why the play count for Bad Romance on his iTunes is up to 65.

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Author's note: Haha I'm a dork. Anyways, I updated the icons/Pants manips on my Photobucket account. So check that out. The link is on my profile. Please review and tell me how not funny I am. A reality check is in order, I feel. LOL

xoxo


	2. The One Where NKA Shears A Lapdog

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus**

_The One Where NKA Shears A Lapdog_

-XX-

_Are you still at the devil's house?_

-XX-

"Kelly, give my phone back!" Austin shouts.

The concept of "Keep Away" is something Austin is pretty used to. After all, he does have a younger sister and she did insist on filling her daily Annoying Younger Sibling Quota. She would take something from him, but being twice her size and with arms double her arm span, Austin would easily steal back whatever it was and reverse the game like every dominant older sibling should. When it comes to Kelly Parker, Austin has a tougher time. Though she is significantly smaller than him, she plays dirty.

Kelly scurries around the dining room table of Austin's cabin and just as Austin sees his break and launches for her, she swiftly pulls out a chair and shoves it right at him. Austin collides with the chair and it hurts like a bitch. All he hears is Kelly giggling and running off. Now even more fueled, Austin chases her into the kitchen and successfully grabs her, pressing the petite girl against the refrigerator by her tattooed wrists.

"Now give me back my—"

"NICK, AUSTIN IS MOLESTING ME IN THE KITCHEN! NICK, HELP!"

The helpless quiver in her voice makes Austin blink and pull back a bit, but he keeps his hands on her wrists. When he sees the tears start to prickle in her eyes, Austin glares knowingly. She plays dirty indeed.

"Don't even try to play," Austin scolds.

"Tucker, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Nicky's voice comes from the doorway. Just as Austin turns his head, Kelly pulls her wrists away and slams her elbow hard into his abdomen. As Austin falls back against the counter, Kelly runs over to hide behind Nicky, innocently batting her long, dark lashes. Austin just groans, suspecting a bruise. Nicky sighs. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not," Austin admits. "Nicky, tell her to give back my phone."

"Parks, give back his—"

"So when were you going to tell us that you invited Carter Anderson?" Kelly asks.

Forgetting all about playing referee, Nicky looks over at Austin. His face demands answers. "You invited Carter Anderson?"

"You invited Carter Anderson!" Kelly shouts. This time it's less of an accusation and more or a verbal spanking. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you retarded? Maybe I should just leave so you losers can call to meeting your Kaylie Cruz Broke My Heart Club."

"For one, I didn't think I needed anyone's approval to invite people to _my_ house for _my_ party," Austin says. "You know, Kel, you bitch about Kaylie so much. Why don't you just ask her to make out? If she's really plastered she'll probably say yes."

Kelly glares. "You're nauseating."

"And you're just being judgy," Austin says. Before Nicky can intervene and tell him that 'judgy' isn't a word, Austin goes on, "He's the only halfway descent guy at the Rock. What? I can't have other friends? You guys live forty-five minutes away. That place is like estrogen overload."

"He has bad hair," Kelly says simply.

"Judgy," Austin says again.

"No, I mean, _his hair is bad_. I've walked into the Rock and completely forgotten who I was going to insult first and instead tried to figure out what he did to make his hair hate him so much," Kelly explains. "Sometimes I'm convinced it isn't even hair at all. Just like an angry genetically modified animal-slash-angry-rain cloud."

"And not to mention he cheated on Kaylie with Lauren Tanner," Nicky says. "Who does that?"

Austin shrugs. "Maybe Tanner isn't that bad..."

"Austin, you call her the Boulder Devil," Kelly says. "Need I remind you that she's the sick and childish mind behind the big Nationals '09 Jumbotron FML?"

Austin chuckles. "Like you didn't put all those condoms to use..."

"Not the point," Kelly sneers.

"C'mon, guys, I can't un-invite him," Austin whines. "Plus, you'll probably blackout before he even gets here. He said he had to spend some time with the wifey before he could come out and play. Just drink the fruity vodka you make me buy and chill. Cool?"

"Whatever," Kelly murmurs. "I want a lemon drop."

"I'm on it," Austin says. "Nicky?"

"Keep him away from me," he grunts.

"Turned off by his bad hair too, huh?" Kelly asks.

"No, turned off by him being obnoxious and annoying," Nicky replies. "I don't want him near me."

"Gotcha," Austin says. He holds his head a little higher, feeling invigorated by his success. "I have a feeling tonight is going to be a great night."

-XX-

_The next morning… _

Kelly wakes up with a gasp. Literally everything she sees is orange. She quickly sits up, fearing something might have happened to her last night with all the heavy drinking and sharp objects around, but then the sunglasses fall off her face and into her lap. She gives a big sigh of relieve before rubbing the sleep from her eyes. From her spot on Austin's bed, she looks to her left to see her boys. A devious smile curls on her lips. Her clutch is right on the nightstand. It's destiny.

Carefully pulling her BlackBerry from the silver clutch, Kelly quickly accesses her camera and snaps a picture. Nicky is asleep, shirtless, in jeans, face down in the pillow and Austin's head rests on the downward slope of Nicky's back. Easily the tallest of the three, Austin is sleeping horizontally with his knees pulled to his chest yet his feet still hang off the side of the bed. It's a Kodak moment if Kelly Parker has ever seen one.

Slopping down into her original position close to Nicky's side, Kelly relaxes and tries to remember the night before. Her recollection lasts a good forty-five seconds when she realizes she can't think of a thing and gets bored with trying. Craving food, Kelly thinks it's best to wake the boys and starts shaking the bed and shouting, "FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE!"

"Save the gold medal and my Beanie Babies!" Austin shouts frantically, lurching up. His dark hair is a mess and his eyes look crazy. Kelly erupts in a fit of giggles and Nicky groans, shifting from his side of the bed. Once he calms down, Austin groans, rubbing his sore head. "You know, Beanie Babies are a collectors' item..."

"Right. So are potato chips shaped like Jesus. Don't tell me you have those too."

"Did I ever tell you I had an Ebay phase right after I came into all my sponsors?"

Kelly groans. "I don't want to know, do I?"

Austin smiles softly. "Probably not."

"Whatever. I'm so hungry," Kelly groans.

"There's an IHOP right by the Marriott," Austin says. "We can go there, get our usual."

"Hmm, wow, Boulder has redeeming qualities. Never thought it was possible." Kelly looks down at the floral sundress and baggy boy sweatpants she's wearing. All she has to do is lose the sweats and it's acceptable outing attire. She then tosses Nicky a glance and sees he's still asleep. She roughly nudges his cheek with her foot. "Nick! We're going to IHOP! You can order your Tooty Fruity Fresh and Fruity!"

"Jesus, Parks, I'm not deaf," he groans, pushing her foot away from him. "And your foot smells like maple syrup...I don't want to know, do I?"

"Probably not." Kelly smiles at how defenseless and pathetic Nicky looks, dark hair mussed and face scrunched, probably a headache pounding behind his forehead. "C'mon! Get up! Get up! Get up! I need coffee."

"Like you need to be any shorter," Austin quips.

Nicky joins in with rough chuckles of his own despite his weathered state. Growling, an angry Kelly Parker shoves Nicky right off the bed. He hits the ground with a loud, painful sound and Austin howls with hoarse, hysterical laughter.

"Why did I get a shove?" Nicky asks, grabbing the edge of the bed and pulling himself to his feet. "Austin was the one who said it!"

"Yeah, but you laughed. If you keep laughing at him, he's going to start to think he's actually funny," Kelly says. "Now go put a shirt on so we can go get your fruity pancake breakfast!"

"Kelly Parker is telling me to put on a shirt? That's a first," Nicky says. He lifts his eyebrows suggestively, flaunting his damn perfect abs and Kelly just grabs the book of poetry (book of poetry, really, Austin?) off the bedside table and hurls it across the room just as Nicky turns out the doorway.

"You and Nicky fight a lot," Austin says. "You should just ask him to make out—"

"Yeah. Already heard it. Didn't care then. Don't care now," Kelly says tightly.

"Whatever you say," Austin sings. He turns and finally stretches out across the king-size bed.

"So whatever happened to Carter Anderson?" Kelly asks curiously.

"No idea," he says. "I remember him showing up and we had a beer..."

"And you asked him to make out already?" she says sweetly.

"You wish," Austin snorts. "Per usual, it gets a little foggy after that."

"Alright," Nicky says, popping back into the room. He's now wearing an electric blue pullover hoodie with his fitted jeans. "Can we go now? I really, really need to pee."

"It's called use the bathroom," Kelly says snidely. "And you're the smart one? I really don't see it."

"The bathroom is...occupied."

"Crap," Austin cusses. "Please tell me we didn't kidnap animals two-by-two and put them in the bathroom again. Those farmhands do not like me. They're hardcore. Shotguns and everything."

"No." Nicky looks uncomfortable and then winces. "Carter is in there."

"Is he okay?" Austin asks suddenly.

"Is he dead?" Kelly asks. It really downplays the seriousness of Austin's inquiry. Plus, she sounds a little more excited about her question than any well-adjusted person should be.

"He's fine, I think. Passed out, but snoring loud. Christ, I think it shook the walls," Nicky says.

"Sweet!" Austin shouts, jumping out of his bed and grabbing a nearby sharpie.

"And I should probably mention that someone, probably one of the three of us, shaved the left side of his head and his eyebrows clear off."

For a solid ten seconds, all they do is sit still and stare at one another.

"Wait, how do you know it was one of us?" Kelly asks defensively. "There were tons of douchey people at the party last night. Maybe we should really start approving the guest list."

"NKA is buzzed in right above his ear," Nicky says, pointing to his head for a visual.

"Guys, we are the best douchey people ever!" Austin shouts proudly. He holds up his hand and Kelly quickly high-fives him, looking just as enthusiastic. "We need to document this."

"Way ahead of you," Kelly says. She already has her phone out and ready.

"Yeah, just follow the trail of hair leading to the bathroom!" Nicky shouts as his two friends tiptoe off.

When they first walk into the bathroom, the two of them nearly lose it right then and there. Carter Anderson looks like a complete idiot lying there on the bathroom floor, limbs entangled with a blow-up doll with a picture of Edward Cullen tapped over the face. He's only in a pair of briefs. Why? No one knows. No one wants to know, but it does make it hard for Austin and Kelly to keep from laughing.

His head is buzzed on one side while the other remains in its usual, uncontrollably curly state. Nicky did not lie. Alas, the NKA is there like crop circles on his head. Austin carefully doodles a bit on his pale skin and Kelly snaps a couple pictures for posterity. Then they slowly close the door after them and proceed with their IHOP ritual.

Later in the day, Austin is bombarded with angry text messages from Lauren Tanner, using some very colorful words that coincidently Austin wrote on Carter in sharpie. To this day that night is still the only NKA party Carter attends without his girlfriend's supervision.

Those photos have over a hundred 'likes' on Facebook.

* * *

A/N: Ahaha You people are encouraging me to go on with this pure ridiculousness? Well, I love you for it and ask and you shall receive! Honestly, I could write these in my sleep. Isn't it kinda odd how my now-fics are SO MUCH different from that dark, cryptic stuff I started out with? I kinda miss it, but I'm a happier person now. Plus, these are so fun.

Should I continue with this random madness?


	3. The One Where NKA Grows Older Not Up

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus**

_The One Where NKA Grows Older not Up _

-XX-

_Hey look on the bright side if you're preggo at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet_

-XX-

_2022 The Future…_

"Nick, he's been sitting in front of the door like that since 3."

"Parks, he's excited."

"No one should be _that _excited to see Austin Tucker."

With an expectant expression, a little boy sits in front of the front door. He sits with his legs crossed Indian-style, just staring at the back of the door. He's around six-years-old and small for his face with a light, natural tan to his skin, almond-shaped eyes and a button nose. Short, dark hair shoots out from his head in all which way direction and he has the cutest little beauty mark by his eye.

"Parker, you're going to have to blink some time," Nicky shouts from the next room.

"We'll see, dad!" the little boy, Parker Russo, shouts back.

In the kitchen, Nicky Russo and Kelly Parker sit in just as much anticipation as their son. Yes. _Their son. _As he stares down at the newspaper laid out in front of him, Nicky watches Kelly from the corner of his eye. She's sitting back far in her seat, looking into the next room where their son is patiently waiting for the arrival of his favorite uncle.

"Careful there, Parks," Nicky says suddenly. "I can see your Mom Worry Wrinkles."

Nicky's lips curl into a small smile and Kelly narrows her eyes in that way she always does.

"Shut up," she snaps. "You're the one that turned _thirty_."

Before Nicky can respond and press Kelly's buttons just for fun, there's the pitter-patter of feet and then the sound of a door swinging open.

"UNCLE AUSTIN!"

"OOPS BABY!"

In the next room, Austin stands in the doorway, looking as handsome as ever. His hair is still dark and short though his cheeks are left unshaven, making him look scruffier and older. Parker immediately launches himself at Austin they embrace with laughter.

"I got you in a headlock, Uncle Austin!" Parker shouts. Both his little, thin arms wrap around his uncle's neck in a firm hold.

"Oh yeah?" Austin says. He easily peels the little boy off of him and swoops into the living room. He carelessly drops Parker down to the couch and starts tickling his sides.

"MOM! DAD! UNCLE AUSTIN IS MOLESTING ME IN THE LIVING ROOM! MOM, HELP!"

"Worst déjà vu ever," Austin murmurs. He collapses beside Parker on the couch, still pushing him back down every time he sits up. "Where did you even learn that word? Oh easy, your mom. I like the how you called for your mom first. Now I know who wears the pants."

"Sometimes mom wears dresses too," Parker says matter-of-factly.

Austin grins. "And I bet she looks hot in em', huh, Oops Baby?"

Feeling something hard suddenly strike his shoulder and then a sharp pain following, Austin looks over and sees Kelly Parker standing there with balled fists.

"Ouch! That hurt!"

"As if you didn't deserve it," Kelly scowls. "Austin, stop calling him that!"

"What? Parker likes it," Austin says. Grinning, he places his large hand atop the youngster's head. Parker tries to shove it off, but Austin doesn't let up. He then starts jabbing Austin in the ribs with his little firsts and the former Olympic gold medalist hooks his thick arm around Parker's neck, holding him in a chokehold.

Kelly hits Austin. This time it's across the top of his head.

"Quit it," Kelly says. "Someone's going to get hurt."

"Um, yeah, me. You keep hitting me and, jeez, you sound like such a mom," Austin teases, finally letting up. Giving Parker one last playful shove, Austin then stands and pulls Kelly into a hug that pins her arms to her side and kissing her cheek. "It's good to see you, Kel, and don't worry. It's not like I'm going to break him."

"Who are you kidding? Austin, you could probably snap that kid in half with your Hulk arms," Nicky says, finally making his presence known. "Plus, it doesn't help that Parker is built like a celery stick."

"Well if it isn't the birthday boy!" Austin shouts. They meet in the middle of the room and hug, patting each other's backs like men. "Happy birthday, Nicky."

"Thanks," he says as they pull away.

Austin plops right back down beside Parker. "Hey kiddo, your dad called you a celery stick. Are you just going to sit and take it?"

"Dad's just jealous because I have a girlfriend and he doesn't," Parker says smoothly.

"Dang!" Austin shouts, looking over at Kelly who just smiles and then Nicky who rolls his eyes. "You so got your mother's mouth." Austin holds up his hand and Kelly easily gives him a high-five. "So Parker, she cute?"

Parker innocently shrugs his shoulders. "She's okay. She gives me her cookies at snack time."

"Total keeper," Austin says, playfully nudging him.

Nicky scowls. "This kid goes through girls almost as fast as you, Tucker."

"Daddd." Parker groans.

Kelly giggles. "Parker, tell Uncle Austin why you broke up with the last one."

"Mommm." Parker groans again.

"C'mon. I wanna know. Then in ten years I'll tell you a few stories about your mom, dad and me," Austin says. "Parker, you can't hold out on me."

Parker sighs. "Every recess she goes by the big trees to talk to her dead pet lama for ten minutes. I thought she went over there to pick flowers or pee on a tree or something."

They share a laugh as Parker embarrassedly hides behind Austin's arm.

"Yeah, kid, you wanna avoid the crazies…unless they give you things." Austin wiggles his eyebrows at his godson and Kelly reaches out and slaps Austin's shoulders. "Um, like money or…cookies."

"Some things never change." Nicky laughs. "Come on, Parker, you have piano lessons."

"Can I skip it and hang out with Uncle Austin?" he asks hopefully.

"Don't worry, PJ," Austin says, saving his parents the trouble of saying no. "I'll be here in the morning…probably won't be moving much. Then in the afternoon we can go out back and work on your tumbling."

"Alright," Parker says enthusiastically. He stands from the couch, but then suddenly looks over at Austin. "Uncle Austin, Marty says when I turn seven I'll be ready to start my training at Denver Elite. Isn't that cool?"

Kelly puts her hand on her hip, which is equivalent to putting her foot down. "Parker, no."

"Mom," he whines. "I want to be a gymnast."

"You know that if you choose gymnastics you'll have to give up your girlfriends and piano lessons and eating ice cream cake and cookies, right?" Kelly asks.

Parker nods. "Done. Done. And Done, mama."

"We'll talk about this later," Kelly says softly. She squats down so she's the same height as her son and straightens the collar of his light polo shirt with the alternating blue and white stripes. She then wraps her arms around him and kisses his cheek despite his annoyed expression. "Now remember, Grandpa Russo is going to pick you up after piano and you're going to sleep over his house. Then I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Parker says. "Mama, you're embarrassing me in front of Uncle Austin."

"Hey, kisses from your mom are no joke," Austin says. "Kel, do I get one?"

"Uncle Austin, don't be a perv," Kelly says with a smile. She gives him a shove before making her way to the stairs. "Now I've got to go make myself pretty. And Parker, if you get scared in the middle of the night or have a nightmare or something…wake up Grandpa Russo. Whatever you do, don't call me or your dad…or Uncle Austin."

"Come on, Parker, before your mom talks any more," Nicky says, ushering him to the door.

"Bye mom!" Parker shouts.

"Bye Parker!" Kelly shouts back.

"Hey! I call shotgun!" Austin shouts after the father and son. Standing at the door, Austin smirks at Kelly from over his shoulder. "So Kel, the leopard print dress and the kitten heels making a comeback tonight?"

Kelly rolls her eyes. "Just go make my son happy. He adores you and I have no clue why."

"Takes after his mom, I think." Austin smirks. "What? I'm the perfect uncle."

-XX-

_5 years ago…_

"Your baby is so cute!" a girl squeals.

Austin stands in the middle of a mall with a one-year-old Parker strapped to him. He grins at the girl, bouncing ever so slightly and letting Parker's little fingers curl around his thumb.

"Oh, he's not _my baby_," Austin explains. "Parenting is hard and I respect that. I don't like to see my friends burn out so I take Parker here off their hands from time to time. I love this little guy. I don't think I'm personally ready for a kid of my own, but, hey, when that day does come, I will be."

The girl looks up at Austin with shimmering eyes. "That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

_At a nearby table…_

Kelly groans. "Are we seriously letting Austin whore out our baby?"

Nicky groans too. "I've wanted to stop him for the last five minutes now, but, honestly, Parks, I'm so tired that I haven't even been able to think of moving."

"Me too," Kelly says softly, letting her forehead rest against Nicky's shoulder. "_So_ tired."

-XX-

_The Present_

"So you do know that Kelly is reverse-psychologying your kid into gymnastics, right?" Austin asks on the drive back to Kelly's house.

Nicky playfully winces. "I don't encourage her, but I can't stop her either."

"Story of Kelly's life, huh?" Austin chuckles. "Man, I just realized that if you piss off Kelly, she can take custody of Parker and changes his name so your kid will be Parker Parker."

Nicky sighs. "She wanted to name him Jonas Parker. She says it was after some doctor on a daytime soap opera she watched when she was pregnant, but I knew she wanted to name him that after the Jonas Brothers. I couldn't have that and my kid is going to be a Russo. She wanted her last name in there and I wanted mine so…Parker Russo. Plus, even Kelly wouldn't take the time to have his name changed to Parker Parker out of spite. It's a win-win, really."

"You guys are the weirdest couple ever," Austin laughs. "So when are you finally going to marry Kel and give Parker the family he deserves?"

Nicky narrows his eyes. "Why do you say it like that? And we aren't a couple."

"Please. You guys spend more time together than actual couples do," Austin says. "You guys run Denver Elite together, which, by the way, is a way better club since you guys took over. It used to be a real shithole. You see each other every day. You go on vacation together. Your apartment is fifteen minutes away. Just get married. Move in together. You're really giving Parker the wrong idea about relationships and love and stuff."

"The wrong idea?" Nicky laughs. "Um, says the guy who told Kaylie he might be falling in love with her after kissing a couple times, who falls in and out of love with Emily Kmetko every time she breaks up with her Rockstar boyfriend and dated Payson for a solid eight months and avoids her like the plague now."

"I don't avoid her like the plague," Austin scoffs. "I believe her parting words to me where _leave me alone_…but louder. I'm just following directions. Plus, we aren't talking about me here. We're talking about you and Kelly. You're downright lying to me if you say you guys aren't still hooking up. Why don't you just seal the deal?"

"And if we do and we get into one of our big fights, which always happens, and we get divorced in three months. Then what message are we sending Parker?" Nicky asks angrily. "Things are good. Things work. We may not be a conventional family, but Parker's happy. Kelly's happy. I'm happy. Why mess with that?"

"Because you're thirty," Austin says teasingly. Nicky sighs. Austin just grins. "Alright. Consider it dropped. Now, how fucked up are we getting tonight? Like old times, right?"

Nicky smiles. "Yeah. Like old times."

-XX-

_Seven years ago…_

"Kelly, get out of there!" Austin shouts, slamming his fist against the bathroom door. "Kel, I need to piss so bad! You've been in the bathroom all morning!"

"She isn't letting up, dude," Nicky says. He's sitting, leaning back against the hallway wall with a book in his hands. "You're better off going out to the garden. That's what I did."

"Kelly!" Austin yells.

Suddenly the door flies open, Austin is pulled inside and the door slams again.

"It's nice to know you play favorites, Parks!" Nicky shouts at the locked door.

"Thank Jesus," Austin murmurs. He shamelessly undoes the zipper of his jeans and immediately goes to pee. As good as the relief feels, Austin grows suspicious because this is the part where Kelly tells him that he's disgusting and caveman, but it doesn't happen.

After finishing, Austin goes to wash his hands and he sees it. A pregnancy test. _Positive._

Austin turns to see Kelly sitting in the bathtub, her knees pulled tight to her chest. He honestly doesn't know what to say to her. He takes one step towards her and Kelly shoots him a glare.

"Wash your hand."

"Sorry, mom," Austin snorts. He doesn't realize the damage he's done until Kelly's eyes start to tear and her face contorts before she starts sobbing. Panic breaks across Austin's face and he quickly turns to the sink. "Look, Kel, don't cry. I'm washing my hands! You're supposed to sing the A-B-Cs or something right?"

But Kelly just starts crying louder and her entire body shakes as she chokes on her tears. That's when Nicky slams his fists against the door, demanding to know what's going on.

"Kelly, it's going to be okay," Austin says. As he dries his hands with a nearby towel, he sits on the edge of the bathtub. "Kel, um, is it…" Austin's eyes dart from her to the door where Nicky's still yelling and knocking. Nodding, Kelly starts crying harder.

"Austin, let me in!" Nicky yells.

"We're kinda dealing with a situation," Austin says. "Nicky, I'm going to need to call you back."

"Austin, we aren't on the phone!" Nicky shouts.

"God, I feel like I'm in a Lifetime Original Movie," Austin says, holding his head in his hands. "No. You told me you guys stopped hooking up a long time ago and I believed you. Kel, tell me you didn't trap him into a relationship with you by getting pregnant."

"What the hell? I'm crying and that's an awful thing to say, you ass face!" Kelly cries. "No. I wouldn't do that. I'm not that brand of desperate. We just…got carried away the other night and I didn't lie to you. That was the first time we hooked up in years. How could you think that about me? Austin Tucker, I hate you."

"Good. That makes it easier. I'm letting Nicky in," he says, standing.

"No!" Kelly shouts. She clings to his arm and yanks him down. Austin grabs the towel rack and it breaks off the wall when he falls to the bathroom floor. "Nick can't know."

"Kelly," he groans. "Don't pull this shit. We aren't sixteen anymore."

"What if I decide not to keep it?" she asks in a voice that's barely a whisper. Austin feels something pass through him, something that chills him to the bone. Kelly's lip quivers and she looks so scared. "If you tell Nick then that won't be an option anymore."

Austin shakes his head. "It shouldn't be an option in the first place."

"Who are we kidding, Austin? I'm not a mother," Kelly says. "Once I was baking cookies, not from scratch, not even from a frickin' box, the kind they sell by the tub, already mixed and I fell asleep while they were in the oven. I. Fell. Asleep. Thank God for smoke detectors. Austin, what am I supposed to do with a baby?"

Austin rubs his hand over his face. Damn this girl can talk.

"He has a right to know and he can probably hear us through the door anyways," Austin says. "Come on, KP. We've been through some crazy things before and we stuck through it.

This isn't going to be any different."

Weakly raising her voice, Kelly shouts, "Nick, get in here!"

"I would if the door wasn't locked!" Nicky shouts back. Austin undoes the lock and Nicky barges right in. He looks so serious and Kelly feels a fresh batch of tears coming on. "What the hell is going on here?"

"I'm pregnant," Kelly says. Even Austin's eyes go wide at how direct she is. Poor Nicky looks like he could pass out. "I'm pregnant and I think – no – I _know_ that I'm going to be a sucky mom so I don't know what to do and you can't blame me because we were both…sober enough…and no, I didn't do this to trap you. Austin, you're still an ass for even thinking I'd pull a Lauren Tanner. Just…please don't walk out right now. I…that would really suck, Nick."

Once Kelly runs out of words (Who knew that was possible?) there's silence and Nicky just stands there in the doorway, lacking an expression. The seconds tick down and then minutes pass and then Kelly breaks the tense air with a whimper.

"Parks," Nicky whispers. "Don't…don't cry."

"It's all she's been doing. Good luck getting her to stop," Austin says.

Nicky glares. "Did you really say you thought she was trying to trap me in a relationship?"

"Do you really listen to her when she talks?" Austin asks.

"Aus, you really are an ass…can you go? Keep yourself busy. Make me a milkshake or something," Nicky says. Austin just looks between the two and walks out. Once Austin's gone, Nicky looks over at Kelly who's curled up in the tub, facing away from him. "Kelly, look at me."

When she refuses to even react, Nicky sighs and climbs into the bathtub with her. He wedges his body between her and the side of the tub and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her onto his chest. Kelly digs her fingers into the material of his shirt and cries into his shoulder as he holds her. Nicky has all these thoughts swirling in his head and he really doesn't know what to do, but walking out on her isn't an option. Not this time.

"I don't think you'll be a sucky mom," he whispers into her hair.

Kelly gets caught between a laugh and a hiccup. "A—And how would you know that?"

"Because that one time when we were doing tricks on the jungle gym and that big kid with the Mohawk tripped me and you punched him in the gut," Nicky says. Kelly can't stop herself from laughing at that.

"So what does that prove other than that I'm a bitch?" Kelly laughs through her tears.

"You're protective and you aren't afraid. It's instinct with you. That's how I know," he says. "I'm not saying that we have to make a decision right now because I think I'm still in shock, but whatever you want to do, I'm here. For you. With you. I promise."

"Hey guys! I made pick-me-up margaritas!" Austin shouts, turning into the bathroom.

Nicky raises an eyebrow. "Kelly, you know you can't drink while you're pregnant, right?"

"Oh yeah. That sucks for you, Kel," Austin laughs.

"We should all give up the alcohol and the partying for the next nine months," Nicky says.

Austin raises an eyebrow. "_We_?"

"What happened to 'come on, KP. We've been through some crazy things before and we stuck through it'," Kelly says, making her voice intentionally deeper to imitate Austin. "Ass eyes."

"Okay, you got knocked up. You knocked her up. Why do I have to pay for it?" he asks.

"Because you love me, Uncle Austin," Kelly says sweetly. "And I don't think you can do it."

"Is that a challenge?" Austin asks.

Kelly laughs. "Sweetie, that's fact."

"God, I'm going to regret this," Austin grunts. "Fine. No drinking. No partying. Just board games and pre-natal birthing classes from here on out."

"Okay." Kelly nods.

Nicky smiles. "Okay."

_Five minutes later…_

"Austin, we made an agreement!" Nicky shouts. He's on one side of the dining room table and Austin is on the other side of the table looking in frenzy, a margarita glass in each hand.

"Nicky, I'm not letting these margaritas go to waste!" Austin shouts.

"Aus has a point," Kelly says, tracing a filled glass with her fingertip and biting her bottom lip.

"No!" Nicky shouts, taking the glass and tossing it into a nearby houseplant. "Kelly, my kid isn't coming out looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!"

"Nick, you will love our child no matter how many times I slip up and accidently drink!" Kelly shouts back.

Austin makes a sound of satisfaction after chugging his margaritas. "The next nine months are gonna be interesting…"

-XX-

_The Present _

Nicky's birthday party ends up being just like old times with dozens of people they hardly know. They do shots till Kelly loses her ability of longwinded speech and Austin makes friends with everyone he meets. Nicky has random girls re-applying their lipstick and kissing him on his cheeks and his forehead and his chest to purposely leave lipstick stained birthday kisses.

"Nick!" Kelly shouts, collapsing beside him on the couch. She looks at him with her eyes slightly narrowed, but not in anger. Her gaze is foggy and her pink lips are puckered.

Nicky just looks at her, eyes half-lipped and smile wide. "What?"

"There's a seven-man beer bong in the kitchen where I pour our son cereal every morning," Kelly slurs. "I haven't seen a seven-man beer bong _ever_."

"I just did a keg stand outside. Still got it," Nicky says. He means to point at himself with his thumb, but misses and ends up pointing over his shoulder. "I got thirty kisses from thirty girls tonight because it's my—it's my birthday not cuz' I'm a whore."

Kelly giggles, letting her fingers trail down his chest. "Thirty-one for good luck, right?"

Smiling softly, Kelly smoothes the creases from his shirt and Nicky reaches out for her, letting his eyes close once his nose grazes her. When they kiss she tastes like birthday cake and tequila. He just melts into her. At first Nicky thinks it's just familiar and comfortable, but then he realizes that it's just _right. _When they pull away, Kelly smiles lazily and Nicky has the urge to throw her over his shoulder and take her upstairs. Too bad he can barely stand.

"Marry me," he says without even thinking.

Kelly just laughs and tries to hit his shoulder, but misses. "You're so plastered, silly."

"Parks, listen." His voice sounds whiny even to himself, but Nicky just shakes his head and takes her hand. "I don't wanna die alone. I wanna die with you…wait…no, I mean…"

"Okay," Kelly says suddenly. Nicky's ears perk and his eyes get bigger. She leans in until her head rests on his shoulder. "Just promise Kaylie and Payson aren't invited."

"Promise." Nicky chuckles and presses the lightest of kisses to the tip of her nose.

The day after Nicky's thirtieth birthday, life goes on like normal.

No one remembers anything from the night before, least of all Nicky's proposal. Whether that's a good thing or a bad one is still debatable.

* * *

Author's note: I channeled my inner LCTD because this is like 4,000 words! Twas heavy on the Nickelly. I can't help it. They're my favorite off-screen-iverse ship. This will probably be the longest one ever. The next ones I plan on writing are short and insane. This one just begged to be a million pages though.

Anyways, how cute is Parker Russo? LCTD created that kid. I just let him out to play.


	4. The One Where NKA Decode Mystery Girl

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One Where NKA Decode Mystery Girl_

-XX-

_I had a really nice time last night. _

_Sweet. Who is this? _

_You've got to be kidding me…_

_No, really, who is this? _

-XX-

Thinking himself an experienced partier, Austin Tucker doesn't have many mornings where he wakes up with complete memory loss. He usually remembers bits and pieces and sees soundless, visual instances in his head and once enough comes back, Austin is pretty good at connecting the dots. That's why when he can't remember a single thing and his head is completely blank, Austin nearly obsesses till he figures it all out.

He takes the necessary steps.

1) Look around

Groaning, Austin takes in the sight of teal walls and a framed poster of the '09 National Team where someone took a sharpie to the picture, adding facial hair, devil horns and obscene phrases near and on four particular girls from Boulder.

Definitely Kelly's room.

Austin stares a bit longer. _I think I dated/made out with/got some from/flirted with 95% of those girls. The other 5% are lesbians and Kelly Parker. _

Austin shakes his head, telling himself to stay focused.

Step one. Check.

2) Look through phone for clues.

Lying there on the floor of Kelly's room, Austin holds his phone up over his face and sees that he has a text message. He reads it and grins for a moment, nodding to himself. His fingers then slip and his phone hits him right in the face. Moaning, Austin rolls onto his stomach and texts back. He decides on the direct, honest approach to figuring out who this is. Sadly, her reply is less than friendly, borderline hostile and Austin tries his first method over again just to not get another reply.

Frustrated, he decides to consult his other two musketeers. Kelly is a lost cause. A tiny body means a tiny tolerance for alcohol and that sums up Kelly Parker pretty well. Nicky, on the other hand, tends to remember some things and there's a good chance he wasn't completely smashed. If Austin ever plays Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, Nicky Russo would definitely be his one phone call. The same thing for if Austin ever goes to jail.

As he slowly regains his senses, the smell of pancakes fills the air. Austin immediately forces himself up and makes his way to the kitchen. There he finds Kelly sitting on the counter, looking through a leather wallet while Nicky slaves over the stove. Austin easily pushes himself up to sit on the marble counter beside Kelly and rests his chin atop her head. He's just that tall and she's just that short.

"Brutal bangover," Austin groans. He runs his hand over his face, trying to bring his vision back into focus. "I cannot believe I blacked out last night."

"Ditto," Kelly says distractedly. "Hey Tuck, do you know a Jesse St. James?"

"Not ringing any bells," he replies.

"Okay. Mine now." Kelly takes the wad of cash out of the wallet and carelessly dropping the rest of it, driver's license and all, to the ground. "My party. My rules. Finders keepers losers bitch tears."

"Kelly Parker: code of dishonor," Austin laughs. He then looks over to his other friend busily cooking breakfast in the middle of the afternoon. "Hey Nicky. Can I see your phone?"

"Why?"

"I've been texting some girl, at least I hope it's a girl, all morning and apparently something happened last night and Mystery Girl isn't completely happy that I don't remember. I figure first I gotta figure out _who_ Mystery Girl is," he explains. "And let's face it, Kel, you don't have any of the Boulder girls' digits. If you do, poor them."

"Wow, how smart of you, Austin," Kelly says dryly, leafing through the money, counting it over and over again. "I'll admit it's a good plan. After all, Nick knows all them hoes."

Nicky wrinkles his nose at Kelly's poor "gangsta" accent towards the end of that.

"Don't say it like that," Nicky says.

Kelly just smirks at him over her fan of money. "Nick knows _all them hoes_."

Nicky glares and Austin breaks into laughter.

"It's still funny the second time around." Austin pulls Kelly into a quick, one-armed hug and presses a sloppy kiss to her face before he jumps down from the countertop and goes over to the refrigerator. He takes out the orange juice and bumps the door closed with his hip.

"Hey," Kelly says suddenly, looking at the screen of her own phone. "I do have Austin's type – slutty in parenthesis – #1 through 3 in my contacts, you know, after that one time."

-XX-

_That one time…_

"Fuck my life in the ass, Nick!" Kelly shouts.

Nicky tosses back the shot sitting at the bar in front of him. It burns a path down his throat and his brows go crooked as his forehead wrinkles. No amount of alcohol, not even Jack mixed in with the thumping music of the club, could have prepared Nicky for those words. Wincing, he looks over at Kelly in her little mini-dress and heels.

"What's happened now, Parks?" he asks.

"My phone, my lifeline. Nick, I might as well be dead," Kelly says, looking from left to right with panic. "I left it at the bar when I went to touch up my make up. That bathroom, by the way, fabulous and _clean_ compared to that last dump we were at."

Nicky blinks. "So you lost your phone?"

"Come help me find it," Kelly says. Without warning, she takes Nicky by the hand and yanks him so he clumsily falls off the barstool. "By the way, that 'girl' flirting with you is totally a tranny."

"She's a wha—"

As Nicky and Kelly make their way across the club, right on the other side of the sea of people constituting the dance floor is Austin entertaining a group of girls dressed up like cats with ears, tails and whiskers drawn on their cheeks which it weird because this definitely is not a costume party. He's entering their phone numbers into his BlackBerry…that has a completely "blinged out" rhinestone Hello Kitty case.

"Your phone is so, like, cute, like," one girl gushes. She touches Austin's strong forearm and he looks away from the screen just in time to see the way she's practically eye-fucking him. "I love when guys aren't afraid to show their sensitive side and be _out-there_."

Austin smiles, trying to appear vulnerable. He doesn't know why he even tries. These girls are completely hammered. Then again, Austin Tucker doesn't half-ass anything.

"That's me," he says, "Mr. Sensitive."

There's a short pause before he jerks forward just as she does and they kiss, tongue and all.

-XX-

_The Present _

"How slutty," Kelly snorts. "Wow, right when I think girls can't get any dumber they hook up with you. I can't believe they fell for the Sensitive Hello Kitty Lover."

"I can't believe you changed all their names to Austin's type #1 through 3!" Austin scowls.

Nicky laughs. "Don't forget the slutty in parenthesis."

"You were wasted anyways," Kelly points out. "I think one was named Lois and you spelt it L-0-!-$-z-z."

"Still, not cool, Parker," he growls, trying to appear more angry than he really is. Arguing with Kelly is just too fun to pass up. "What if I wanted to text them later? I can't just say, hey, Austin's type #1, what you doing tonight? Winking face." And he winks as he says it.

Kelly rolls her eyes. "Like you're ever going to call any of those girls ever again."

"Eh, true," he says. "After all, they did fall for the Sensitive Hello Kitty Lover. That's worse than falling for the Sex with you is My Dying Wish. Regardless, man, that was a good night and I actually remember all of it."

Austin gets a distant, nostalgic look on his face.

Nicky clears his throat, taking his stack of fluffy pancakes over to the counter where Kelly is sitting. "Maybe you should start there. After all, your rate of success is higher with _your type_."

"Nicky, I'm hurt," Austin says, going to the cupboard for plates for all of them. "What makes you so sure it isn't a Boulder girl?"

"Wait," Kelly says. "Girls from Boulder were here at my house last night? How did I not know this?"

"You were _gone_," Nicky explains. "Parks, you went into Wasabi Bobby mode."

-XX-

Emily Kmetko looks up at Damon Young. Austin passes in the background with a glare of disproval. Not even noticing him and swaying from side to side, Emily shyly says, "I'm glad you came here tonight."

Damon smiles and takes her hand. "Anything for you…"

They're about to kiss and Kelly pops out of nowhere, shouts, "Wasabi Bobby!" and runs away laughing.

-XX-

Nicky groans. "Kaylie, can you please quit obsessing over Austin?"

"I'm not obsessing," the girl in pink says defensively. "Come on, Nicky, you see him practically stalking Emily and sabotaging Damon. It's kind of hard not to notice him running around like a—"

"Wasabi Bobby!" Kelly shouts, coming in between Nicky and Kaylie with an arm around both of them. Giggling incessantly, Kelly gives them both a little shove away from her as she stumbles off.

-XX-

"Hey! I have an order of two hundred pizzas here for a…Wasabi Bobby?" the pizza delivery guy says, standing in the doorway. Nicky just sighs and shuts the door in the guy's face.

-XX-

_Present…in the kitchen_

"Right." Kelly nods. "So I need to stop watching all those Japanese game shows. They're really screwing with my head."

"And back to the topic at hand," Austin says. "C'mon, Russo. Let's hear it. Why don't you think Mystery Girl is any of the girls from the Rock?"

Leaning against the counter, Nicky holds up four fingers, ticking each with every point. "Because Payson is too smart, Emily was here with Damon, you're admittedly scared of Lauren and I drove Kaylie home last night. By the way, she wasn't very impressed by you doing body shots off those CU freshman."

Austin smirks. "Those girls had _deep_ belly buttons."

Kelly scoffs. "Hold on. Why are you hanging out with Kaylie Cruz again? I thought we put the Pink Power Ranger on the No Kiss List! Carter Anderson, Kaylie Cruz and Zac Efron."

"One, just so you know, Parks, there's more to life than Rachel Cohn and David Levithan kiddie books. Two, I would never want to kiss Zac Efron anyways. When did we ever agree on that?" Nicky asks. Kelly smiles a little and shoots Austin a look as he whistles innocently. Nicky shakes his head. "Not that it's any of your business, but I didn't kiss Kaylie last night."

"Ahh, struck out, huh?" Austin asks unsympathetically. "Bro, I told you she's still hung up on me."

Ignoring him, Nicky says, "I'm sorry if I don't kiss a girl every chance I see."

"And that's why you're dying alone," Austin teases.

Nicky glares. "Oh, like you, Austin, have any right to say something like that."

"I got it," Kelly says, tossing both their phones onto the counter. Both look over at Kelly Parker whose expression gives nothing away as she starts picking at the pancakes. "And the winner is Keeler."

Nicky's face drops. Austin celebrates by jumping. Once he comes back down, he exchanges a look with Nicky before they both look at Kelly. In union, they say, "Wait, what?"

Nicky looks beyond shock. "…I gave her her first kiss…"

Austin looks thoughtful. "Well, I guess, last night I gave her her first—"

"This thing we've got going on," Kelly says, interrupting Austin. "Given your own bromance, add it to the way you guys recycle and trade off girls, girls who I hate, by the way, even though that doesn't seem to stop you horn dogs, they have a word for it. _Incestuous_."

"Man, Kel, you talk _way_ too much," Austin says.

"Just shut up and eat your pancakes," she retorts.

"Hmm, so Payson Keeler, huh?" Austin says, just imagining the possibilities in his head. Kelly just rolls her eyes and Nicky sulks as they start to eat. Austin remains still, staring off across the kitchen. Still, nothing comes back to him. "Man, I really wish I remembered what happened last night…"

-XX-

_Last night…_

They meet on the outskirts of a party.

Austin stumbles outside because those CU girls were talking about doing lines off his abs and as always he's all for a good time, but that's a little pushing in. Drugs? If Kelly wasn't going around "Wasabi Bobbying" people she'd toss the girls out on their fine asses. Austin takes a deep breath of the cool Denver air and notices that he isn't alone out on the patio.

"Keeler," Austin whispers.

At the sound of her name, Payson tears her eyes away from the sky and looks over at him. "Austin?"

"Shh, I'm hiding," he whispers again.

Payson doesn't look impressed. "And apparently you're drunk too."

"I'm drunk too," he repeats, grinning idiotically. "Whatcha doing out here? Hiding too?"

"Sure," Payson says. She sighs and looks back out over the Denver city lights. "I don't even know how Kaylie convinced me to come here tonight. The stumbling drunk thing isn't exactly my forte."

"It's not bad," Austin says. Then he looks over at her and laughs. "But you're Keeler."

"Exactly," she says. "I don't do this. Even Nicky has assimilated into the post-gymnastics world. I'm just…built differently. I can't let it go." She laughs bitterly and looks over to the young man beside her. "You must think I'm some freak."

"Keeler, you're not a freak," he says. Austin has to lean back against the nearby pillar to keep from toppling over. "It's cool. Like you said, built differently and that's good cuz' this strumbling drunk thang—" he motions to himself, "—not attractive. Dunno why people think so cuz' it's not. Just don't tell no one, m'kay? I don't know if you know, but I'm supposed to be a total babe."

Payson laughs despite herself. "Thank you."

"Love you too," Austin slurs, waving his hand and running into the glass door trying to get back inside.

Payson laughs softly to herself and watches him go.

-XX-

The next time he sees Payson, the first thing he does is start rambling and apologizing for things he doesn't even know. Payson just smiles and tells him "thanks again" as she walks away. Austin still doesn't know what that means, but it makes him grin.

* * *

Author's note: I love you all. I meant to send out individual review replies, but I got a little caught up with the Pants.

Thanks to **Romance Novel**, **Leah**, **LCTD**, **Floridacutie**, **Angela** and **Sparklespaz716** (the answer is yes, btw, use it! Use it! Use it!)

I didn't think anyone would like this story. I thought it would have like zero reviews and just be me writing to entertain myself and that's what would happen even if I didn't get reviews. This fic would still live on. LOL Anyways, what I'm trying and failing to say is that the fact that y'all take the time to review touches me so if there's anything you really want to see, that can only happen in a crack-world then tell me in a review and I'll see if I can work it in.

I can't explain it. You can't explain it. But it shall continue. That's all I know.

xoxo


	5. The One Where N&A Cockblock K

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One Where N&A Cockblock K_

_Guest star: Harry Shum Jr. as Mike Chang  
_

-XX-

_If I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it_

-XX-

When it comes to going out, Kelly Parker is a beast. Whether because she spent more than half of her life completely consumed by gymnastics and had no room for a normal life or she's just seen one too many episodes of Jersey Shore, Kelly spends at least an hour beforehand to get ready, putting on her make up, bringing strips of her hair through a flat iron over and over and, of course, picking out the perfect outfit. Then when she gets to the club or bar or party she goes hunting while keeping up her cool, collected, not-psycho-at-all demeanor.

Austin is certain she's the best wingman he's ever had.

-XX-

_The Usual Routine…_

Austin is looking good, hanging out at the bar and then he sees a hot girl. He manages to catch her eye and she gives him that look that says she's interesting, but there's a catch. Sitting right next to said hottie is her less attractive and irritable-looking friend. Most would be discouraged or baffled by the situation, but Austin has a secret weapon – Kelly Parker.

Checking out what they're drinking – Long Island Ice Teas – Austin pulls a waitress aside and sends them drinks. He then bides his time until he finds just the right moment to make his way over there. He easily sweet-talks the hot girl (duh) using his charm and his body language. She's as good as his, but from time to time the friend will clear her throat or roll her eyes and she's really starting to annoy him. That's when he gives Kelly the signal and she aids him.

"Hey," Kelly says, addressing the friend. She smiles that sweet, winning smile and Austin sweeps his eyes up and down her body just enough to make hot girl a little threatened and convinced they don't know each other. "I know this is a little random, but my friend, Nick, over there—" Kelly points to where a clueless Nicky engages in a game of pool towards the back, "—he thinks you're cute, but he's too shy to say anything."

The friend's face instantly lights up. "Really?"

"Really," Kelly says. "You should go over and talk to him."

The girl looks hesitant. "A—are you sure?"

Kelly shrugs noncommittally. "I mean, you don't have to, but you never know when you'll ever get a chance again. Hell, if you won't go for it I might try to liquor him up and give it a go. I mean look at those arms and that jaw line…"

Kelly Parker is a manipulative genius and Austin's so glad she's using her powers for good these days. Nicky would probably disagree and think she's using her gifts for evil, but, well, you can't win over everyone. As the friend goes over to buy Nicky a drink, Austin sees his window, two minutes and thirty-seven seconds to get hot girl out of there before Nicky, who is a horrible wingman, tells the friend what's really going on.

Austin mentions his motorcycle and they're out the door. Score.

-XX-

While Kelly might be the best wingman ever, when it comes to Kelly and boys, Austin is probably the biggest cockblock around.

"Okay, so you not being a creeper tonight and bushing off all the hot girls throwing you looks in here is actually a lot creepier," Nicky says, settling down on a chair beside Austin. "What's going on with you?"

"Kelly is about a drink and a half away from Wasabi Bobby mode and this punk is taking advantage," Austin says with a protective growl to his voice.

Nicky follows his dark gaze across the room to where Kelly is talking to some guy at the bar. He's a tall and lanky Asian man, probably in his early to mid-twenties, with pale skin and jet-black hair. He has an easy smile on his face as he talks quietly to Kelly who just giggles and keeps taking sips from her fruity drink. Kelly drinking something fruity means she's looking to bag a man. When getting fucked up with her boys is the mission, she's all about the hards.

"He's Chinese which means he's foreign," Nicky says. "You know what that means, right?"

"We can't touch him," Austin says with a dejected sigh. "I don't get it. What's with Kel and foreign guys? You know she was totally into that Palestinian/Polish kid from Riverside? I heard he goes to Greendale Community College. What the hell, right? _Community college._ Kelly went to the Olympics."

"I'm not a psychologist, but I know Kelly. The language barrier makes it easier for her to ditch em', less likely for an attachment to happen. Like with the Greendale kid, Kelly found out he spoke English and possibly had Aspergers so she told his jock friend to tell him that she was a lesbian and that was that," Nicky reminds him. "The same thing will happen with this guy."

"Hmm, but he probably doesn't have a jock friend," Austin adds. "Maybe a dance crew."

Nicky shakes his head. "So what do you say about darts?"

"Hold on. I'm busy," Austin replies. He guzzles his beer and keeps watching.

"You're so hypocritical," Nicky laughs. "Austin, how many nights a week do you get some hot girl smashed and take her home? Kelly even helps you. Now she's the giggly drunk girl and some guy is about to take her home and you're pissed? It's called a double standard."

"It's not the same thing," Austin grumbles.

Nicky groans. "Why do you even care?"

"Because she's Kel. She's like my kid sister—"

Nicky groans again. "Don't say that. It'll make it even weirder for me when you guys black out and make out on the off-chance that I don't totally get messed up and have that image burned into my head forever."

Austin loses his train of though, looking intrigued. "I blacked out and made out with Kel?"

"I don't know. Could have. One time we woke up, the microwave door was in the shower and the water running. Another time we woke up by someone's pool that we somehow filled with bubble mix so we were cover in suds. Who knows what we do when we get like that," Nicky says.

"Fine. She isn't like my kid sister. She's my wingman…who smells like cupcakes and has really odd taste in dudes. I just don't think some of her guys are good enough for her," Austin says with an exasperated sigh.

He wants to tell Nicky his theory that Kelly won't settle down with a guy who challenges her and will continue to chase the ones she can easily enslave because she's waiting for Nicky. Austin knows that Nicky is the one Kelly wants and she's just waiting for him to want her back. He doesn't doubt that Nicky knows it too. He would bring up his theory, but he knows Nicky and there's no better way to spoil a party than to call him out on the complicated ass mess that is "Nickelly."

"Then again, why do I bother?" Austin sighs, finding a much easier way around the stuff that will directly upset Nicky. "We all know you're her favorite."

Nicky snorts. "Unlikely."

"You guys are having no strings sex. I don't think I can compete with that," Austin laughs. "If we were in a burning building and Kelly could only save one of us it would probably be you and if you were in a burning building you would probably save her and if it were me I probably wouldn't be able to decide so we'd all go down together. Man, I get screwed over in ever time."

Nicky pats Austin on the shoulder. "You should probably stop drinking right about now."

"Pshh, I haven't even been drinking that much," Austin says, protectively clutching his beer bottle. Austin suddenly looks away and Nicky glances over to see Kelly wobbling towards them. "Look alive, Russo, Kelly's coming over."

"Hey Kel," Austin says with a charming grin. "Who's the new boy toy?"

"Mike Chang," she says with a dreamy sigh. The two boys exchange looks. She actually knows his full name. Not Kelly's usual routine. "Cute, right? Oh em frickin' gosh, guys! He's Pre-Med at CU, but who cares about that, he was an extra in _Step Up 2 and Step up 3D_!I think I'm in love!"

Nicky and Austin exchange looks again. This time more disturbed.

"Parks, you're drunk," Nicky points out. "Maybe we should go—"

Kelly waves her hand loftily. "Nick, I am getting ass tonight from him I _love_. It's all G."

"You just said you think you're in love twice," Nicky says seriously.

Kelly just giggles. "Ima fix my make up and then Ima leaving with Mike Chang. I'll call you…next…next…just bye."

Kelly wrenches Austin's beer bottle from his hands and finishes it off before she stumbles away. Once she's out of sight, Austin watches Nicky's face and can't resist smiling at his friend's displeasure.

"You're worried," Austin says knowingly in a singsong voice.

"She just said she might love the dude. Austin, it's Kelly. She has a hard time admitting she loves anything other than winning, GTL and herself. Plus, she doesn't even know him. I'm pretty sure Kelly would dry hump a houseplant she's so drunk right now," Nicky says. "And she's going to wake up embarrassed and hating herself and as her friends we shouldn't let that happen."

"Finally!" Austin shouts. "Cockblock time!"

Nicky nods in agreement. "So what's our strategy?"

"Easy," Austin says. "Dance off."

As Austin shrugs off his blazer and starts rolling the sleeves of his dress shirt up to his elbows, Nicky orders a double shot of tequila and throws it back before he loses his nerve. After all, they're doing this for Kelly. They're practically defending her honor (and making sure she doesn't get laid tonight). And they might be slightly intoxicated and a little unnecessarily defensive, but who hanging out at a trashy nightclub isn't? That's why bar fights happen…and apparently dance-offs.

"Hey Mike Chang!" Austin shouts across the room.

"Me?" the young man asks in return.

Austin smirks at Nicky. "Hmm, no accent. Y'know what that means?"

"He's second or third generation?" Nicky says.

"Sure," Austin says, "and he's fair game."

At first, when they call out this Mike Chang, it almost seems unfair – a two against one battle, but then as the music grows louder at Austin's command, Mike Chang starts to bust out these sick old-school break dancing moves. He moves his body like a snake, popping and locking his joints to the thumping of the music. Honestly, it makes Austin's robot look a little lackluster and completely lame.

"Dude, he's an awesome dancing Asian ninja!" Austin shouts at Nicky over the music. "Told you he probably has a dance crew! He's probably the entire dance crew!"

"Do I seriously have to do everything?" Nicky asks, tearing off his jacket and shoving it into Austin's arms. He tosses back one last double shot and loosens his shoulders.

Nicky is smart. He doesn't know how to spin on his head so he isn't going to try. Otherwise he's going to end up looking like Austin who made a failed attempt, toppled over like a broken top and is probably going to wake up with a massive headache or at least a bruise on his head.

Playing smart, Nicky brings what he knows to the floor. Gymnastics.

Starting from one end of the room he does a full twisting layout and lands right in the middle of the dance floor. All the drunken people around are gasping and staring in awe. When Mike Chang is doing windmill kicks, Nicky does back tucks and back handsprings, occasionally hitting people and knocking over things. The music keeps pumping and Nicky feels himself tiring while Mike Chang gets closer, tutting in his face. That's when Nicky gives him a glare, swings his fist and hits Mike Chang right in the face, bringing him to the floor.

"Stay away from Kelly Parker!" Nicky shouts. "My best friend is not a bar whore and not in love with you!"

As Nicky stares down at the groaning Mike Chang, clutching his nose, Nicky starts to think slinging back that last double shot might have been a mistake. Then he hears the people cheering and it steals his attention. There's nothing Nicky loves more than winning and being appreciated for it.

"Dude, you own!" Austin shouts, hanging his arm around Nicky's shoulder. Suddenly feeling exhausted and dizzy, Nicky lets Austin take some of his weight and lead him over to a table. The other people in the club are still cheering and probably don't even know why they're doing it. A moment later, one of the club employees tells them they have to leave, completely killing the buzz.

Before walking out, they do a search for Kelly who apparently missed the entire showdown. They find her in the girls' bathroom passed out against the wall. Austin scoops her up in his arms and Nicky calls a cab.

The next morning Kelly asks what happened and Nicky shoots Austin a warning look. If Kelly found out Nicky was fist pumping last night and fist pumped Mike Chang right in the face, she would probably never let him live it down and be completely pissed off.

Austin just smirks. "Sorry, Kel. The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club."

* * *

A/N: My world is coming to a staggering halt! Halt I say! **LCTD**, _Love's Crash Test Dummy_, who wrote _The Difference Between _and unofficial-once-leader of the Kaylicky Campaign, the one who inspired me to write MIOBI fics in the first place is...is...thinking of abandoning me! _US_! I'm not a gossip. Okay, I lied. I'm a gossip and a liar, but this is messing me up more than the KP/THING pairing speculation! She's "sick of Make It or Break It" and I don't know the exact details, but some rude person PMed her some shit and she's thinking of cheating on MIOBI with 90210. _90210_! How does a zip code constitute a plot? I mean, at least it isn't Twilight, but still, the horror!

I know y'all probably don't care and that was a total mood-killer, but I needed to vent.

Comments on my NKA/Mike Chang and/or my A/N combustion would be greatly appreciated.


	6. The One Where Austin Wants a Wifey

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One Where Austin Wants a Wifey_

Guest Starring: Molly Burnett as Faith Giancana

-XX-

_Did you hook up Austin?_

_No! He threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed_

-XX-

"Guys," Austin says, "I think I'm ready for a real relationship."

Upon hearing this, Kelly nearly chokes on her orange juice and Nicky literally does. He sputters and erupts in hacking coughs and people all around IHOP start to stare, but Kelly, sitting beside him, keeps her bleary eyes on Austin, jaw completely dropped.

"Nicky, you okay?" Austin asks, looking concerned.

"Good," he says between coughs. "Completely caught off guard, but good."

Kelly finally pulls her gaze from Austin and looks to Nicky. "Is it April Fools?"

"No. That was three weeks ago. Remember, Austin came in here and told us he kidnapped Emily, brought her to Vegas and got married…and we actually believed him," Nicky says.

"Which was a little insulting," Austin scoffs.

A waitress comes to take Austin's order while the other two try to make sense of the situation. The threesome is sitting at their favorite IHOP in Denver, eating breakfast. The tradition has continued even though they've been engaging in the Sobriety Pact since January when they found out that Kelly was pregnant with Nicky's baby. Nicky has been strong and he's acted as Kelly's rock, but Austin slips up from time to time. At least he's trying?

"So can I ask why?" Kelly wonders. She has a fork in one hand and a knife in the other, sawing through the French toast drenched in whipped cream and strawberries on her plate. Sixteen-year-old National Champion Kelly Parker would probably be both appalled and disgusted at the sight of her future self indulging.

"I don't really know…"

-XX-

Austin stands in his living room, looking at an invitation to the Tucker Family Reunion. At the bottom it says to be sure to bring your family. Something tells him that Kelly and Nicky don't count. It really hits him that he has no one and he isn't getting younger.

Collapsing on the sofa, Austin sighs. "The world needs some little Tuckers…"

-XX-

"For starts, no, the world does not need little Tuckers. Can you imagine that? Austin, just hire some actors or something. They do it all the time in TV shows. Then again, everyone, especially your family, should be used to your Creepy Austin Who Hits on all the Teenage Girls routine," Kelly says simply. She sniffles a little and holds her head in her hands, looking at him like he's the biggest idiot ever.

"Hey! Those girls told me they were eighteen!" Austin protests. "Eighteen is legal."

Kelly rolls her eyes.

"Plus, don't you think it's about time? Now that you guys won't let me get wasted and party, I might as well be productive and date or whatever," Austin says. "The last girl I was serious about was Kaylie Cruz back in our gymnastics days. That's like a lifetime ago."

"I hear she's dating a hockey player now," Kelly says. "Some bitches get all the luck."

"Well, Tuck, I, for one, think this is great. Congrats on finally wanting to growing up," Nicky says, sipping his coffee.

The waitress comes back with a platter of food for Austin that includes every breakfast option imaginable. The eggs overlaps with the bacon and the bacon lies over a slab of hash browns and it all shines with grease. At the sight of the chaos, Austin's smile brightens by at least a thousand watts. From across the table, Kelly groans and hides her face against Nicky's shoulder.

"What's up with her?" Austin asks. "The kid not treating her well?"

"She's sick," Nicky answers. He wraps his arm around Kelly and presses his hand to her forehead. "I took her to the doctor the other day because she had a fever, but it's finally died down. Her immune system runs low because of the baby so it's takes her a little longer to get over it."

"Sounds like someone did his homework." Austin nods, cutting into his side dish of pancakes.

Kelly groans. "Nick has like a thousand of these baby websites bookmarked on his laptop."

"Is it so wrong that I care?" Nicky asks defensively.

"Nah, it's sweet," Austin says, stuffing nearly half a pancakes in his mouth at once.

Nicky squints over at the clock across the room. "Is it really 11:00 already?"

"11:02, actually," Austin corrects with his mouth full.

"Thanks Austin," Nicky says sarcastically.

It flies right over Austin's head and he stuff his mouth with more pancake. "Welcome, bro."

"Weren't you supposed to meet your dad half an hour ago?" Kelly asks quietly. She keeps her head on Nicky's shoulder and he keeps his arm around her.

"Yup. He wants to talk to me about something important," Nicky explains. "Then I decided since I'm going to be in Boulder anyways I might as well go through all my old stuff at my dad's place, clean out my old room and put some stuff in storage. You guys want to come?"

"No thanks," Austin says. "I'm future wifey hunting, remember?"

"What about you, Parks?" he asks. "You can sleep while I clean."

Kelly frowns. "Your dad thinks I'm a whore."

"My dad doesn't think you're a whore," he assures her. "My dad thinks I'm a whore. When I told him we were having a baby he got pissed off at me, _just me_ for getting innocent little Kelly Parker, who he's known all her life, into this _situation_. Then he had the nerve asked me if I ruffied you, totally serious, and...and I don't want to talk about what happened after that."

Kelly smiles softly. "When I told my dad I was pregnant he assumed it was Austin and said he was going to put a hit out on the manwhore. He was so relieved when I told him it was yours."

Austin snorts. "Why do dads always want to kill me after pregnancy scares?"

"Do you really need me to state the obvious?" Nicky laughs. "Anyways, I should probably go."

"So your baby mama is sick and you're just leaving her all alone?" Austin says.

"No, Faith is in town," Nicky says. "It's just like Faith to pop up when everyone is sober." He leans over to look at Kelly's face with a stern expression. "Parks, don't you dare let her talk you into drinking. I know Faith and she's persistent, but don't."

"Nick, I'm sick," Kelly says. "And pregnant. I'm not drinking this weekend. Relax."

"Wait, Faith Giancana?" Austin asks from across the table. "Faith freaking Giancana is here?"

"Yeah, she said something about a bet between her and Marty that he's too old to go rock climbing whether that means rock climbing like actual rock climbing or the roof of the Rock is open to interpretation. Anyways, tonight she's coming over to spend the night and keep an eye on me," Kelly explains. Austin gets this enlightened expression on his face and Kelly doesn't like it. "Austin. No. After what happened with Charlie, this is the last thing Faith needs."

"Kel, I'm offended you'd jump to such conclusions," Austin says, holding his hand over his heart. Kelly just groans, not buying it for a second.

"Come on, Parks, they could be good for each other," Nicky says encouragingly. "Who knows? Maybe Faith is ready to settle down too? Okay, yeah, that isn't happening. It's Faith."

Kelly glares. "I would rather cut off my eyelids and stick my head in an ant hill to slowly die than sit by and watch you figuratively and literally screw my best friend. She isn't one of your hoes, Austin. I actually like the bitch."

"You think so little of me," Austin says.

"I'm Kelly Parker. I've seen you eat a whole pizza and barf in a coffee pot. I think I've earned the right," Kelly says. "Austin, seriously, you're like the McSteamy to my Callie and I guess that makes Faith Arizona...expect we aren't lesbians or in love, we're on the opposite end of the spectrum actually...damn, I ruined a perfectly good analogy..."

"Alright. I'm out. Good luck with this," Nicky says. He gently untangles himself from Kelly and lets his hand briefly rest on her slightly protruding belly. The look on his face is so tender and Kelly looks down, letting her hair fall in her face, trying to hide her uncharacteristically coy smile. Before Nicky can get all mushy and start talking to her stomach, Kelly shoves his hand away from her. Nicky just laughs again and lightly presses a kiss to her head. After giving Austin's shoulder a firm pat, Nicky walks out.

"Nickelly PDA. Gross," Austin says teasingly. "I thought you guys kept all of that in locked bedrooms and coat closets? I was way too sober to see that. I think you totally just ruined IHOP for me."

Kelly sighs and goes back to resting her head in her hands. "He's been really creepily supportive."

"Like you don't love the attention," Austin chuckles. "In all seriousness, he's gonna be a great parent."

"Yeah," Kelly says softly. "At least one of us will…"

"So you're going to hook me up with Faith, right?" Austin smirks.

"No, Austin. Do I need to explain the ant hill again?"

-XX-

"FAYE!"

"KELLZ!"

The two girls embrace in the doorway to Kelly's house. Faith Giancana is still petite with a milky complexion. She has a huge smile on her face and her honey brown, nearly blonde hair is split in two braids that hang over her shoulders. She has a hiking pack on her back and she smells like sunscreen and chalk.

"Okay, enough hugging, baby mama. No offense, but the last thing I need right now is to catch whatever it is you have," Faith says, pulling away, but still wearing that smile.

"Lucky for you pregnancy isn't contagious," Kelly snorts.

"Hi baby," Faith coos, bending slightly so she's at eye-level with Kelly's belly. "I hope you come out pretty."

"And if she or he doesn't?" Kelly asks expectantly.

"Then I might have to reverently bow out of the godmother offer," Faith says cheekily, gently bumping Kelly's hips with hers.

Rolling her eyes, Kelly goes to shut the door, but stops when Austin Tucker wedges himself in the doorway. He shows her the tray of Chinese food like some sort of peace offering and Kelly knows she has no other choice, but to let him in.

"I brought you soup, Kel," Austin says sweetly. He walks into the apartment and sees Faith unloading the pack on her back. He blinks, playing surprised. "Oh hey, I didn't know you had company."

Kelly scoffs. "I need to throw up."

"Okay, but then you go straight to bed," Faith tells her. She's talking to Kelly, but her eyes are on Austin, lit with intrigue. "Well, if it isn't Austin Tucker."

"Faith Giancana," he says, giving her a nod and a wink. "Long time no see."

"Alright. Thanks for the soup, Austin, but I'm sick and tired so you should just leave," Kelly says, wrapping her tiny hands around his thick forearm and weakly trying to drag him to the door.

"Come on, Kel, he can keep me company since you're just going to sleep. We can watch the Last Unicorn. Best movie _ever. _Then Mean Girls. Second best movie ever. Then Stick It. Horrible movie, but I like pointing out all the inaccurate gymnastics stuff," Faith says. Austin grins and Kelly just gives in with a sigh.

"Fine, Faye, it's your death sentence. Or with that line-up, maybe it's Austin's." Kelly sighs.

The three talk for a bit, but then Kelly can feel her medication start to kick in. She gets drowsy and when she can barely keep her head up, Faith drags her to her room and insists on tucking her in. Kelly groggily threatens that she'll kill the both of them if something happens to her house. The possibility of Faith getting knocked up is an afterthought, of course.

Despite the foggy haze the doctor's prescribed medication put her in, there are four integral moments of that night that Kelly Parker won't be able to forget or make sense of ever.

-XX-

1.

Kelly groans and when she opens her eyes she's in complete darkness. It's quiet, almost too quiet. Feeling she should check on Faith, Kelly groans and sits up. Her head feels like it weighs a million pounds and she can barely breathe, but she somehow manages to get up and wander out into the living room. She sees Faith sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on the flat screen TV.

"Hey Kel," Faith says cheerily. "Feeling better?"

"No. How long have I been sleeping?" Kelly asks.

"A couple hours now," Faith replies.

"Did Austin finally leave?"

Before Faith can answer, Kelly hears the traumatic sounds of someone throwing up. She cringes and a wave of nausea rolls through her. She's right about to ask, but then she sees the blender on the coffee table with some strange, brown, chunky concoction in it and the Chinese food containers and an empty bottle of tequila.

"Kick him out," Kelly says, going back to her room.

"Sure thing, Kel!" Faith shouts after her.

-XX-

2.

When Kelly starts to stir from sleep, she feels someone gently shaking her. There are giggles in the background.

"Kelly…Kelly," Austin's husky voice calls to her. "Kelly, I'm hungry."

"Austin, fuck off," she says angrily.

"Kel, I'm hungry," he whines. His voice is thick with incoherence and lazy, borderline slurring. There's nothing Kelly hates more than an annoying drunk especially when she's sick and hasn't had a drop herself.

"Eat your stupid Chinese food," Kelly groans.

"Kel, I threw it all up," Austin says bluntly. "There's a Jimmy John's on 16th. They deliver."

Kelly opens her eyes to see Austin with his best puppy dog impersonation, holding the cordless phone out to her. Faith is standing in the doorway, giggling, mentally completely gone. Taking the phone, Kelly starts to hit him in the chest with it until Austin runs out of the room, repeatedly saying he's sorry. The door slams and leaves Kelly in darkness. Dropping the phone onto the ground, Kelly pulls the pillow over her head, trying to get back to sleep.

-XX-

3.

A couple hours later, Kelly feels the bed shift and she can tell that someone's lying beside her. She wishes more than anything that it's Nicky, who just threw Austin out on his drunken ass and Faith is passed out somewhere soft. She wants to feel him hold her and hear his voice sing her and their baby back to sleep. Apparently that doesn't happen because Kelly Parker lives in a tequila-induced nightmare.

"Kelly," Faith whispers. There's some sort of rattling and as reluctant as she is, Kelly looks over to see Faith cradling some sort of box in her arms. "Can you, like, die from eating raw mac n' cheese?"

Kelly groans and looks at the digital clock on the bedside table. _3:56 AM._

"Faye, you're pissing me off," Kelly says, flopping back down to sleep.

"Shh," Faith shushes her. Suddenly Kelly feels her friend's cold hands on her belly. "Baby Taco Bell doesn't need ta learn them five dollar words, Kelly-welly. She or he still squishy."

_Oh God_. And this is the future godmother of her child? Kelly is starting to reconsider.

Suddenly, Austin bursts into the room. He isn't wearing a shirt, which isn't completely unheard of, but there's a big A drawn on his chest in what smells like chocolate syrup. At that point, Kelly is certain that she doesn't want to know. He jumps onto the bed and starts playfully hitting Faith with a box of macaroni and cheese. Faith then starts hitting him with her own box of macaroni and cheese. Suddenly little pieces of raw pasta are raining down on Kelly's bed.

"GET OUT!" Kelly shouts. Getting up on her knees, she shoves Austin off of Faith, clear off the bed and glares at the both of them. "It's four o'clock in the morning! What the hell is wrong with you two? If you come in here one more time before noon tomorrow, Faith, I will shave your head and Austin I will make sure sex will be painful for you for the next three months!"

Kelly is seething and the two drunks just stare.

"Baby, you're so a mom," Faith giggles. Then Austin starts laughing with her.

"GET OUT!" Kelly shouts again and the two scurry out the door.

Once they're gone, Kelly collapses. After dealing with these two, a baby should be a piece of cake.

-XX-

4.

The next time Kelly wakes up it's of her own free will. She has to pee pretty badly though she's almost afraid to see the damage that's surely gone on outside her bedroom door. She walks out to see food all over her coffee table and all the throw pillows on the floor. There are clothes everywhere and Kelly reminds herself to bitch them out once they wake up.

On her way to the bathroom, Kelly passes the guest room and can't help, but peek inside. There on the bed are Austin and Faith, passed out. As pissed off as she is, Kelly can't help, but be a little amused.

Austin is almost completely naked. He's shirtless and his jeans hang around his ankles. He's wearing Batman boxers and there's a trail of try drool from the corner of his mouth. In direct contrast, Faith is wearing more clothes than Kelly remembers her being in. Her jeans don't look like they've been taken off, button and zipper in place and all. Plus, she's wearing Austin's leather jacket over her t-shirt and oddly enough a ski mask and a pineapple in the bed between them.

Kelly just shakes her head and makes her way to the bathroom. "Idiots."

-XX-

Later that day, when Kelly is texting Nicky about all the nonsense that went on, Austin finally emerges from the guest room with a sheepish smile, ruffled hair and bedroom eyes. "Morning, Kel."

Kelly just glares at him. "Ready for a serious relationship my ass."

And that's how Austin realizes he doesn't want to get serious with a girl, least of all Faith Giancana, right now. He just wants an Italian Night Club from Jimmy Johns.

* * *

Author's note: I just saw that text and it actually said Austin in it and it was destiny.

Just wanna thank everyone who has been PMing LCTD and spammed her with love and reassurance. We're gonna keep her, guys. Keep it up if you care. I really do appreciate it from you lovelies.

If you didn't know, Faith Giancana is from _The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants_ story, which you should read if you don't already. She's a screw-ball mess, but entertaining nonetheless.

I'm so close to 1,000 hits for this story that I'm absolutely daffy. Please review.

xoxo


	7. The One Where NKA End Up in a Hosptial

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One Where NKA End Up in a Hospital _

-XX-

_Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room_

-XX-

It is true that they spend a ridiculous amount of time together. Time that they could probably use to do something productive, but instead they choose to spend it with each other and some kind of alcohol. Contrary to popular belief, they aren't conjoined triplets. Nicky, Kelly and Austin don't do everything together. It's a little sad when New Years falls into that category.

"Nick, just admit it, you love us."

He groans. "You guys are alright."

"Alright?" Austin nearly shouts. "You have a date with Kaylie Cruz. You're going to be kissing Kaylie Cruz when the countdown to the New Year starts and you came to pregame with us beforehand. Now I don't know what you see in that, smartie, but I see a dude who loves his bro and hoe."

Kelly gives Austin a smirk. "So who's the bro and who's the hoe again?"

"I don't know, Kel," Austin says playfully. "Who's the one that crawls into his bed and begs him to do her?"

"That was all you, Tucker," Kelly says. "Ha, I knew even you knew you were a hoe."

Austin looks from Nicky to Kelly with a quizzical expression.

Nicky groans. "Parks, I thought we weren't going to tell him about that time…"

"Well, I lied." Kelly shrugs. "Like hell I'm giving that up for the New Year."

"Didn't expect you to," Nicky says. He looks down the bar, trying to get the bartender's attention at their favorite little pub in Denver. He anxiously drums his fingers against the edge of the table waiting for their drinks.

"No, seriously, guys when did this happy?"

Kelly ignores Austin and looks over at Nicky.

"You know, Nick, it says something when you need to drink before you take a girl out on a date," Kelly hints. She's sitting in a little electric blue dress, crossing one leg over the other and playing with the gold necklace around her neck. She looks ready to go out for the night, hair loosely curled and makeup embodying perfection.

"Austin," Nicky cues him, giving Kelly a hard look.

In a whiny voice, Austin starts to sing, "Someone's jealous. Someone's jealous. Someone's jealous. Nicky, should I start the second verse?"

"I think she gets the picture," Nicky says.

"I'm not jealous." Kelly pouts. "I still think it's weird that you two both dated her and failed and now Nick, you're trying to date _her_ again and you, Austin, are okay with this."

Nicky scoffs. "I still think it's weird that you hooked up with Carter Anderson."

"I didn't hook up with him!" Kelly nearly shouts, slamming her hand against the bar.

"You were flirting with him!" Nicky shouts back.

"And?"

"Tone it down. Jeez, you'd think you two were born in the 90210," Austin says. Finally, the bartender brings them over a stray of shot glasses filled to the brim with clear liquor. "Now, we're going our separate ways for tonight, but it doesn't mean we love each other any less."

"Wow, Nick, remember to never let Austin make any toasts ever," Kelly says.

"Noted," Nicky says.

"Whatever, no one's leaving till we knock back a couple each," Austin says. "Come on."

"Happy New Years, guys," Nicky says, raising his glass. "Hopefully it's a good one."

"Hopefully we remember all of it," Kelly adds. "Well, most of it."

"I'd still settle for not remembering at all. Things are getting crazy tonight. I'm planning on doing things Sober Austin won't be proud of," Austin laughs, clinging his glass with the both of them.

All three toss back a shot each like pros, taking a moment to enjoy the burn before round two.

"Sure you don't wanna come with, Kel?" Austin asks. "One of my old gymnastics buddy is having a party. His place is sick and a lot of his friends are has-beens with low self-esteem. Perfect for you."

Kelly just shakes her head, already reaching for a third. "Plans with Faith."

Austin looks suddenly excited. "Can I go with you?"

Kelly throws back another shot. "No."

"Remember, guys," Nicky says, "how you spend New Years is how you spend the rest of the year."

-XX-

_Hours Later…_

Nicky Russo is at the hospital emergency room. There's a sharp pain in his hand even though the morphine is suppose to be helping. Apparently, New Years is one of the hospital's busiest nights. There are nurses moving from place to place, unable to pay too much attention to one patient. Nicky insisted that he was okay, hoping to get out of there and find a bar to drink in till he blacks out, but the doctor insisted he stay overnight for observation. He didn't see the need for it, but he suspects his father got wind of his little accident and insisted he stay.

"So when do I get my sponge bath?" a familiar voice asks.

Nicky's ears perk. "Austin?"

Suddenly the curtain separating him from the other patients is pulled back. There, lying in a bed is Austin Tucker. He's wearing a patient gown and there's gauze all wrapped around his head, blood seeping through the thick padding. Despite his obvious head injury, Austin is wearing a big dopy grin.

"Russo!" he shouts. "What are you doing here?"

"Austin, you look like you cracked your head open," Nicky says. "What are _you _doing here?"

Laughing, Austin says, "Funny story, actually…"

-XX-

"Austin, dude, you haven't been doing gymnastics for years," someone says. "Face it, man, you're a has-been. I doubt you could do a back tuck anymore."

Austin scowls. "I can do a back stuck easy."

"Prove it," someone challenges.

"I'll do you one better!" Austin shouts with the liquid courage warm in his veins. He pulls at the edge of his t-shirt and yanks it clear off his head. "Roundoff back handspring back tuck off the roof and into the pool."

The entire room lifts their drinks and cheers him on.

-XX-

Nicky stares at him dumbly. "Austin, you didn't."

"They called me a has-been, Nicky," Austin scoffs. "Of course I did it. Doc says I've got a concussion, but I'm still alive. No broken bones. They ran some tests and just want to keep me for an extra night just incase. Man, if this place has some booze then we'd be set."

Austin looks down at Nicky's hand that's wrapped in gauze. "So what happened to you?"

Nicky looks away and holds his arm tighter to him. "Don't wanna talk about it…"

"Weren't you on a date with Kaylie?" he asks.

"I still don't want to talk about it," Nicky says.

"Dude, I'm letting you date my ex-girlfriend," Austin says.

"Technically I met her first," Nicky argues.

"But she was never your girlfriend," Austin points out. "Come on, Nicky. It's the least you can do since you won't tell me about the time I supposedly propositioned you."

Looking clearly uncomfortable, Nicky sighs. "Fine. But you can't tell Kelly."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

-XX-

"You know, Nicky, I'm really glad that we decided to do this tonight," Kaylie says over dinner. She looks beyond gorgeous, older and more mature than that sixteen-year-old princess he had known in the past. Still, despite the years that have gone by, she still apparently can't kick the love of pink, seeing as she's sitting in a strapless, hot pink and black dress. "I'm really having a great time."

Nicky gazes over at her with glassy eyes. He's been nervous the entire time, especially since he has the sneaking suspicious that she knows he's been drinking. Taking a shaky breath, Nicky smiles and says, "Yeah, Kelly, I'm having fun too."

It takes Nicky a few seconds to realize why Kaylie suddenly looks so mad.

_Shit_.

"No, Kaylie, I didn't…" Nicky scratches the top of his head. "Wow, your names are close."

Kaylie growls irritably and slams her fork down against the table. It's a shame Nicky's had was right between the table and the fork.

"SON OF A—"

-XX-

In the hospital, Austin is laughing hysterically. He brings his hand up to the bandage on his head, trying to keep it in place. He's trying to stay really still, but that isn't happening with how his body is convulsing with each choking laugh. Every time he laughs his head aches a little more, but he just can't help himself.

"Austin, shut up," Nicky snaps.

"Nicky, you called Kaylie Kelly?" he asks, gasping for air.

"On accident," Nicky insists. "Then she stabbed my hand…by accident…I think."

"Aw, Kelly is going to love this."

"Austin, you promised you wouldn't tell her!" Nicky says, starting to get worked up.

"That was before I knew that she was involved," Austin says. "Now she has a right to know."

"Please, Aus, don't." Nicky groans. Suddenly his head starts to spin.

"NO! I don't need to stay and fill out freaking paperwork! I'm already wearing a damn eye patch! The least you could do is let me go and enjoy the rest of my New Years!"

Austin and Nicky trade looks.

It can't be, though the shrill voice is an exact match.

"Kelly!" Austin shouts. "Hey Parker! You here?"

Suddenly, Kelly pops out from around the corner and she is indeed wearing an eye patch.

"Hey Kel. Arrrrrggg," Austin says, doing his best pirate impression with his two fingers curled like a hook. Kelly just gives him a look that shuts him up quick. "So captain, my captain, boy, I've got news for you."

Nicky glares. "Aus, don't you dare!"

"Hello! Does no one care what happened to me?" Kelly asks. She looks and sounds annoyed.

"Kel, your nose looks like Owen Wilson," Austin says suddenly.

"Thanks," Kelly sneers. She looks away, suddenly self-conscious. "It's just a bruise. It isn't broken. A nose job won't be necessary. Props to mom for an Asian nose. If I got dad's then I would have been screwed."

Upon further staring at her heart-shaped face, Kelly Parker looks like she's been through a boxing ring tonight. Her hair is a mess and around the patched eye are a little cuts and her chin is bruised. Her nose indeed does look like Owen Wilson's, but black and blue. Nicky looks over at her, worried, and Austin looks rather impressed.

"What happened to you?" Nicky asks.

"A fucking waste of a hot outfit is what happened," Kelly complains, sitting at the foot of Nicky's bed. "I got called a slut by a bunch of girls who work at Hooters. Ironic, isn't it? There might have been a catfight. I kicked ass. I have a black eye, but I think the Hooters bitch is in ICU. Whore deserved it."

-XX-

"What a slut," Hooters girl giggles.

"Come say that to my face you—"

Kelly stumbles, going to chase after the girls, trips and faceplants on the curb.

-XX-

"It was purely self-defense," Kelly says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "So what was it you said about how you spent New Years being how you spend the rest of the year?"

"I'm going to have cool stories and cool scars," Austin says, nodding.

Nicky groans. "I'm going to have lots of horrible dates with Kaylie if she even wants to date me again."

"I'm going to continue to be a badass," Kelly says cheerily, "…but maybe in shorter-heeled shoes."

"Or maybe it means a lot of trips to the hospital," Nicky winces.

"Alcohol-less trips to the hospital," Kelly says, sounding devastated.

"Can't wait," Austin scoffs.

"It's so weird that we all ended up in the emergency room. I mean, it's a lot more typical than unexpected, but, still, weird. I think it's a sign. We're so meant to be besties forever." Kelly then turns to Nicky, singling him out with a gaze. "So are you ready to admit you love us?"

Nicky sighs. "Apparently the universe wants me to love you."

Austin snorts with laughter from his hospital bed and Nicky glares.

"You guys," Nicky self-edits. "Apparently the universe wants me to love _you guys_."

He's almost glad Kelly isn't paying them much attention, too busy moaning and groaning about her face, staring at the mirror of her compact. As the countdown to the New Year begins, Kelly scoots back and comfortably lies with Nicky in his bed, leaning against his shoulder, obvious to the way Nicky squirms and glares at Austin's knowing, cheeky smile.

"Faith just texted me. She's sneaking in a bottle of SKYY vodka through the front door of the hospital as we speak," Kelly announces excitedly.

The boys extend their long arms and high-five. _Score_.

If tonight is any model for the rest of the year, as long as they're all together maybe it won't be that bad after all.

* * *

Author's note: Honestly, I write these too easily. This story has like 1200 hits! That is sick, y'all! I'm so stoked! I'm glad people are reading no matter how unintelligent these little stories are. I would do review replies, but I need to go and edit the Pants one last time. Just know that I love all my reviewers and you encourage me so these will continue! I wish I could write them forever and I will definitely try!

Read, review and love each other, homies!

xoxo


	8. The One Full of Future Nickelly Fluff

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

-XX-

Suggested music for this chapter: 

**Hazy by Rosi Golan feat. William Fitzsimmons**

Beautiful song. Thanks LCTD :P Seriously. Beautiful. Go buy it on iTunes.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One Full of Future Nickelly Fluff_

_-_XX_-_

_The sad thing is, if you get her you'll be sick of her in a year_

-XX-

Parker Martin Russo is a little terror.

For someone so small he makes such loud, eardrum shattering sounds. Nicky likes to say it's a trait he got from his mother, Kelly Parker. In return Kelly likes to blame Nicky and his weird hairline for the way their son's hair is just starting to sprout from his head in weird patches at weird angles that they just cover with a beanie whenever they go out. Therefore, they're even.

Nicky knew parenting was going to be tough and come with many sleepless nights. That is why during the pregnancy, he took it upon himself to learn all he could beforehand.

He can't count how many books he's read, how many highlighters and ballpoint pens he's gone through marking up the pages and writing in the margins. Nicky is pretty sure that the most research Kelly has done concerning the baby and her pregnancy is plugging _'how long after giving birth, can you begin to work out?' _into Google.

While Nicky prepared in any way he could, Kelly would be eating something disgusting, maybe a slice of pizza topped with French fries and grounded up meat balls just to get grease all over Nicky's books. Then after devouring said slice of pizza she'd start bawling about eating the mutant pizza and feeling disgusting about herself and it would be Nicky's cue to comfort her. Nine long months of that followed.

Now, at seven-months-old, Parker is a fairly easy baby. During his waking hours, he's curious and happy and easily adapts to new situations. In direct contrast, when that kid is cranky, he is, as previously stated, a little terror.

Nicky tiredly walks through his apartment that is strangely, completely silent. Instead of using the bathroom conjoined to his master bedroom, he has to walk all the way to the other side of the apartment to use that bathroom. The sound of the toilet flushing, the smallest creak of the bathroom door or even the sound of the sink running will send Parker Russo into flailing, crying fit of unadulterated rage. Again, it's a trait that's very Kelly.

Slowly tiptoeing back into his bedroom, he sees Kelly and baby Parker sound asleep in his bed. There are pillows everywhere acting as guards to make sure he doesn't take a tumble off the bed (again). Nicky knows if he tries to join them on the bed, the slightest of movements will send Parker into one of his episodes so instead, he goes over to the rocking chair near his bedside. It's one o'clock in the afternoon though the blinds are completely shut and the curtains pulled over that, making it seem like the middle of the night.

Nicky looks over at his son and can't help, but to run through the checklist in his head, things he picked up from reading and comes in handy from time to time. Parker's head circumference is continuing to increase steadily which means standard, ongoing brain growth. His breathing is slow and steady. He's come into the baby fat stage. All signs of a healthy baby.

Then Nicky allows his eyes to wander over to the woman lying beside the little baby, her lips parted and her eyes shut. Her dark hair is pulled up in a messy bun and her face is completely void of makeup. It's inspiring how fast she lost the baby weight. Despite the doctor and Nicky lecturing her about resting and recovering, Kelly knows her body better than anyone and she hit the gym as soon as she felt it time. Now she looks just as fit as she did pre-pregnancy, even better, as Austin puts it, "cuz now she gotsta hot ass rack."

Sometimes Nicky feels bad that he'd even think it, but he gets the feeling that Kelly is going to run out on them one day. There are many times throughout the first two weeks after Parker was born that he was scared to death that he'd wake up one morning with Parker still asleep and Kelly long gone. He remembers her face when she held Parker for the first time in the hospital, exhausted but overjoyed, and he thought that would be reassures enough. The second week when Parker woke up with a fever and had to be rushed back to the hospital, Kelly looked ready to bail.

Seven months later, here they are and the abandonment is yet to happen.

"YOUR BEST FRIEND IS CALLING! YOUR BEST FRIEND IS CALLING! YOUR BEST FRIEND IS CALLING!"

Austin Tucker's voice blares from Nicky's cell phone. Letting Austin record and set that really wasn't the best of ideas.

Nicky cringes. Kelly shoots up into a sitting position. Parker starts wailing.

"NICK! SHUT THAT THING UP!" Kelly screams.

"Parks, I hope you're not talking about our son…"

"NICK! THE PHONE!"

He scrambles for his phone on the nightstand and Kelly scoops Parker up into her arms. She holds him close and gently rocks him as she whispers little, comforting things to him. Nicky manages to silence the phone, but then takes a moment and stares at Kelly who looks all pissed off yet maternal. She looks kinda fucking hot…until she notices him staring and gives him a glare that makes him fear for his life.

"Yeah, Austin is probably outside," Nicky says, holding up his phone. "I'm just gonna…yeah."

Fumbling to his feet, Nicky walks out of the room with Parker still continuing with those sound barrier-breaking screams. He walks down the hall and right to the door. Somehow Austin always gets into the building (probably stands by the door and waits till one of the tenants come in like a creeper), but is yet to get his own key to the apartment, something he has petitioned for and has been outvoted by Nicky and Kelly every time.

Nicky pulls the door open to see that big grin on Austin Tucker's face.

"Hey bro!"

"Shh!" Nicky says. "Your call woke up Parker _and_ Kelly. She's in one of her moods right now."

"Kel is in one of her moods and you left her alone with the baby?" Austin asks, looking appalled.

Nicky scowls. "Shut up. You're the reason she doesn't think she's a good mom."

"When did I ever say she wasn't a good mom?" Austin asks in his defense.

-XX-

_Two months ago…_

"I saw her at the grocery store and she was looking at me like I was one of those girls from Sixteen and Pregnant and, by the way, it's still a mystery to me how that train wreck birthed Teen Mom, but whatever. I'm twenty-four. I'm not a stupid teenager in over her head with a baby," Kelly says, sitting behind the wheel of her car.

"Uh-huh," Austin says, distractedly looking at his phone. Suddenly he stops, looks over his shoulder and only sees groceries in the backseat. He blinks and looks back over at Kelly. "Hey Kel…where is Parker?"

Kelly gets this horrified look on her face and jerks the wheel in a U-turn. Then Austin gets a fearful look on his face as he grabs onto anything within reach, but then still slams his head into the glass window as they drive back to the grocery store.

"Austin Tucker, don't you dare tell Nick about this!"

"Kelly Parker, you are a bad mom!"

-XX-

_Two weeks ago…_

"Austin, what are you doing here?" Kelly asks, opening the door to Nicky's apartment just enough to see him through the crack.

"Where's Nicky?" he asks. "I swear you and the little man have completely taken over his bachelor pad."

Austin steps forward. Kelly closes the door a little more, blocking his way.

"He made a run to the gym. I don't know when he'll be back. Okay. Bye," Kelly says quickly, trying to close the door. Austin manages to stop it with his hand stuck in between. He stares hard at Kelly. She looks nervous about something.

"Who's home with you, Kel?" he asks.

"Just Parker and me," she replies with a straight face.

"Liar," Austin growls. "Who's here? Because I gotta tell you, Kel, it's kinda, well, _whore-ish_ to be entertaining some other dude with your kid around, in Baby Daddy's crib."

Kelly opens the door wider and when Austin is right about to walk in, she slaps his shoulder.

"Why'd you do that?" he asks, rubbing his arm.

"Because you're always so quick to think I'm a whore," she says irritably. "Austin, no one else is here. Seriously."

"Then why won't you let me in?" he asks.

"Parker is taking a nap," she says. "And you're noisy as hell that's why."

"You really do have a hundred excuses, don't you?"

Kelly gives him a wink. "A hundred and three, actually."

"Fine. But the reason that I'm here is that I left my sunglasses last night and I need them," Austin explains. "I think they're on the kitchen counter. Can you please just check it out for me? I will be eternally grateful, Mama Parks."

Kelly gives him a disgusted look. "Just wait here and don't call me that ever again."

"Right because only Nicky has that privilege!" Austin laughs. Kelly mumbles something as she goes to check the kitchen for the imaginary pair of sunglasses Austin misplaced. Meanwhile, Austin gets curious and walks deeper into the apartment. On the TV in the living room is Aladdin, paused right when Princess Jasmine is in the red outfit, chained and seducing Jafar. Austin can't help, but to stare.

Then he looks over at baby Parker on the floor and his eyes grow three sizes.

"KELLY, WHAT THE – OOPS BABY IS WEARING A DRESS!"

"I TOLD YOU TO WAIT AT THE DOOR!"

"WHY IS HE WEARING A DRESS?"

"I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE WHAT IT'D LOOK LIKE!"

"KELLY PARKER, YOU ARE A BAD MOM!"

-XX-

_The Present…_

Austin scratches the top of his head. "But those two times are legit. You agree don't you?"

Nicky just shakes his head and they go over to his bedroom. There the guys see Kelly curled up on her side next to baby Parker, holding a bottle to his lips. His little hangs grab for the plastic bottle, but he can't quite hold it himself. Nicky goes right over to the bed and sits back against the headboard while Austin sits at the foot. At their arrival, baby Parker pulls away from the bottle, looking around curiously. He rises up on his little arms and draws his knees up beneath his body in a crawling position. He rocks a little, but is yet to learn to crawl.

"Congratulations," Kelly says sleepily. "Now he'll be up for the next, oh, forty-two hours."

"Not forty-two," Nicky says. "More like thirty-eight or thirty-nine."

"Well, it's a good thing Mr. Chubby Chub is hanging with uncle Austin for the next forty-eight, huh?" he says, scooping Parker up into his arms. Austin holds him up in the air, making faces at him and Kelly tenses. Seeing this, Nicky lays his hands on Kelly's shoulders, trying to massage the tension out of her.

"You know the rules, Austin," Kelly says sternly.

"I know the rules, Kelly. You only texted them to me, e-mailed them to me and posted copies of em' all over my house. My personal favorite: no watching porn in the presence of the Oops Baby," Austin says, rolling his eyes. "Don't worry. I got this. I practically raised my kid sister. You two just get some rest, okay? You look like zombies."

"You're sweet," Kelly says snidely. She lifelessly holds her arm out. Significantly softening in her facial expression and her voice, Kell mutters, "bye baby."

Austin takes baby Parker's little hand in his and gently waves. Making his voice as high as possible, Austin says, "Bye mommy."

"Come on," Nicky says, reluctantly getting up. "We've got his stuff all ready."

"Austin, I swear, if you let one of your hoes even touch my son I will kick their asses and then I'm going to kick your ass," Kelly says sternly. Nicky gives her a disapproving look at her language, but Kelly just rolls her eyes. "And by hoes I mean any slutty form of model, actress, stripper, potential wifey, nymphomaniac, prostitute and Rock girl."

"No worries, Kel," he tells her, cradling baby Parker in his arms. "Just me, Oops Baby and my box set of Lost: the complete series."

Kelly looks uncertain. "You know, you don't have to take him, Aus. I'm sure you have a date or something."

"No, Parks, you need your sleep," Nicky says. "Uncle Austin can handle this. Right, Aus?"

"Right," he says. "I would never put him in a dress."

Both the guys give Kelly a pointed look.

"What?" she says. "I was going stir crazy and the psychic told us he was going to be a girl so I had all that girls' clothes laying around the apartment. It isn't like I was taking him outside of the building. We were just playing dress up."

"That's never happening again," Nicky says.

Kelly sighs. "Fine."

"Now that we've got that settled, come on," Nicky says, ushering Austin out of the room. There's a bag on the couch all ready for Austin to take and go. "Alright. So you strapped the car seat into your car like I told you, right?"

"Right." Austin is distracted, playing peek-a-boo with baby Parker. "All you have to worry about are those bags beneath your eyes."

"Thanks again, man."

After giving his son a smile and kissing him gently on the head, Nicky walks them to the door and shuts it once they leave. He then goes back into his room and Kelly is still lifeless in his bed. Nicky dives onto his bed and Kelly groans when his shoulder knocks into her back. In apology, Nicky rubs her back until she turns over so she's facing him, a dreadful look on her face.

"I hope you realize we left our firstborn son in the hands of Austin Tucker," she says.

"As scary of a thought as that is, I think we needed it," Nicky says. He shuts his eyes and pulls one of the pillows that smell like baby milk formula beneath his head. "I am exhausted."

"Same here." Kelly groans. "I should go."

It's quiet for a long moment.

Nicky opens an eye and laughs. "You haven't moved."

Kelly laughs too. Both eyes shut. "Yeah, just give me five seconds and I'm gone."

Opening both eyes, Nicky looks over at Kelly and gives her hand a squeeze. "Stay."

Kelly laughs again, louder this time. Her half-lidded eyes find Nicky's gaze on her. "You know, when we were kids, that's all I've ever wanted to hear from you. I would have given the world to hear you say that. Now I just want you to shut up because we aren't having sex ever again."

Nicky just laughs and when she tries to get up, he playfully pulls her back down.

"Seriously, I don't want you falling asleep while you're driving or something," he reasons. "Just sleep. If I cop a feel you have my permission to kick my ass."

"Like I need your permission," she snorts, weakly hitting his shoulder. "Fine. Turn out the lights."

Nicky reaches over and switches off the lamp.

"You know, Nick, off the top of my head I can think of at least two other girls who you'd rather be raising a kid with than me," says softly in the dark, "but, for me, I'm glad it was you and not Mike Chang or some random bar dude. I cannot imagine making it this far with anyone else."

Nicky swallows hard. That's a bold statement if he's ever heard one.

"I think you shouldn't listen to Austin," Nicky says. "You're a great mom."

Nicky reaches out for her and pulls her close, just holding her in his arms until they fall asleep.

The next morning Nicky and Kelly wake up super early having fallen asleep midday. They stay in bed and talk quietly about what they should do today. Nicky suggests a farmer's market that he sometimes jogs by when he can wake up that early. Kelly agrees and goes off to the bathroom to get ready. A good hour and a half later they're out the door.

While Kelly is standing in line to pay for something, Nicky is across the way, at a produce stand and through the hoards of people Kelly is the one he's staring at. Like he had been doing the other day, he looks at her and sees how far she's come from that spoiled, bitchy gymnast he knew when they were sixteen. Not to mention the fact that she is goddamn beautiful.

A kid, maybe fifteen or sixteen, stands on the other side of the arrangement of fruit, watching Nicky watch Kelly. He laughs bitterly. "She's a piece of work, huh?"

"Huh? What?" Nicky looks over at him and the boy nods to Kelly. He immediately feels embarrassed, being caught. "Of course…I mean…um…"

"The sad thing is," he says, "if you get her, you'll be sick of her in a year tops."

Nicky suddenly feels so defensive, fists ready and teeth grinding. What right does this stranger have to assume something like that? This kid doesn't know Kelly. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

"That's one man's opinion," Nicky scowls.

"Dude, don't get all worked up, I'm just sayin'," the boy says. "At first, she'll make you feel like you're living a fantasy. You'll be friggin' stoked because someone so beautiful wants you around. Then, day-by-day, you'll start to notice things that you don't like about her. Little, stupid things like her favorite TV shows or maybe she's a little too loud when she talks. Then it'll just be a matter of time before those things that annoy you are all you see when you look at her even though they've been there all along. You won't notice it right away. You'll get used to looking at her and then being beautiful won't be enough."

Nicky doesn't even respond. He just walks away and right over to Kelly.

That kid has his analysis all backwards or maybe Nicky and Kelly's relationship is just backwards. They started out as these stupid kids thrown together because their families. Nicky knew every one of her bad habits and her bad qualities from the start. Despite that, Nicky always stuck with her, got to know her and can only now really appreciate her beauty, on the outside and hidden within. Maybe that's how you know you really love someone. You start with knowing their flaws, not just the good stuff, and if you stick around then you know.

Nicky hugs her from behind, not even chancing a glance back over at the boy, not really caring, but knowing he's probably watching anyways. Smoothing down her hair and kissing the side of her head, Nicky tells her, "I can't imagine raising my son with anyone, but you, Parks."

"Cute," she says, leaning back against him. "…But I'm still not lifting the ban on sex."

Nicky laughs, holding her close. "I didn't expect you to anyways."

Nicky and Kelly plan to spend the rest of the day together. Those plans quickly change and they end up driving to Austin's after getting a text from him that says: Baby skin is like regular skin, right? So why won't the face paint come off?

* * *

Author's note: I still love Nickelly so much. They won't leave me alone. I don't even know if this counts as fluffy because Nickelly is so screwed up that the usual definition of fluff just doesn't apply to them. This is as fluffy as they get because Nickelly has a way of going from sad to slutty and back and forth with little in between – another reason I love them so. I know there are closet Nickelly lovers out there. You don't have to admit it. I gotcha.

More crazy on the way. Reviews are greatly appreciated.


	9. The One with a Wedding

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One with the Wedding_

-XX-

_The bridesmaid just puked. Score._

-XX-

The wedding starts at noon.

Austin shifts uncomfortably between Nicky and Kelly, sitting on a bench across the street from a crowded church. They all look incredible – the boys in slacks and coats and Kelly in a sexy little powder blue dress that does not belong in a church of all places. Nicky's hair is actually combed back with the slightest hint of gel. Kelly's makeup is perfection. Austin isn't wearing leather. They look as pretty as a picture in a fashion magazine.

The church bells ring and Nicky looks over at Austin, patting his back.

"Come on, man, it's time," Nicky says.

"Nick, we can't bring him in there. Look at his pathetic face," Kelly says. "He's _so_ going to object and ruin the entire wedding. We should just put him on a leash, tie him to the bench and come back for him after the reception."

"Kelly, he isn't a dog," Nicky says.

She giggles. "I bet there's a whole church of women right over there willing to argue you on that."

"Whatever. I need to get the rings to Damon," Nicky says.

Yes. Emily Kmetko and Damon Young are getting married. After retirement when Nicky took a sudden interest in music, reawakening his pre-gymnastics love for the piano, he signed on to work at Damon's record label and the two become good friends. Austin and Emily have been good friends (at times more) ever since their gymnastics days where they relied on each other more than they'd like to admit. Kelly Parker has no relation to either and is just along for the ride.

"Sure, go play Best Man to your new best friend," Austin scoffs.

"Do you hear yourself? You sound like you're eight," Nicky says. "Austin Tucker, cut the crap. We all know what this is really about and you need to get over it. She's marrying him which means he's her most important person in the world so you gotta deal with it…okay?"

Austin just frowns and looks down at his feet.

"For the love of Mary Lou Retton," Kelly groans. She pops open her little clutch and from it she pulls out a metal flask and hands it to Austin. "Bourbon. Drink up."

"You sure that's a good idea, Parks?" Nicky asks skeptically as Austin unscrews the cap.

"Relax. It isn't even full and it isn't like he's going to chug the whole thing. Just sips," Kelly warns sternly. "It isn't enough to make him completely lose it…just numb the pain. Now come on. The faster we get through this the faster we can go to the reception and abuse the open bar."

"I could dig that plan of attack." Austin takes a long sip of the flask and gets ready to say goodbye.

When they walk into the church, Kelly makes sure to keep both her arms linked with that of her boys. Her grasp on Austin is loose yet secure enough to insure that he can't make a move without her knowing while her arm linked with Nicky's is more tense and maybe a bit possessive especially when she spots Kaylie Cruz out of the corner of her eye. The usher directs Austin and Kelly to a pew towards the back for obvious reasons and Nicky goes up to join Damon at the altar, standing to his right like every Best Man should.

"So how far did you get with Emily anyways?" Kelly asks loudly before the ceremony starts. Many heads turn to look at her, but she just ignores them all and looks up at Austin.

He chuckles. "So not the place to be talking about this."

Austin looks at all walls of the church, the candles and the stain glass windows depicting saints and angels. Kelly rolls her pretty hazel eyes.

"Like talking about sex is any less shameful than actually having sex or the crazy that goes down in one of our houses on a nightly basis. Just because we're in a church doesn't mean you're suddenly supposed to be a prude," Kelly says. People look over at her again and this time Kelly looks back. She gets that expression that says she's ready to address them and that isn't going to be pretty.

"I'm sorry, Kel," Austin says. "Not all of us are friends the way you and Nicky are friends."

"Don't turn this around on me," Kelly says. She gets a smirk on her face that embodies evil. "Unless, you know, you want to talk about that, Aus, because seriously, at this point in our 'friendship' I don't think I own single article of clothing that hasn't seen his bedroom floor—"

"Okay stop," Austin groans, holding the palms of his hands over his ears. "Please stop."

Kelly just smiles. "Oh, and we aren't letting Kaylie Cruz near him at the reception."

Austin rolls his eyes. "Dude, you hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls."

"No."

"Kelly…"

"I'll give you fifty dollars and I promise not to say one bitchy thing about the next two whores you decide to bang," Kelly says. She reaches in her clutch and holds up a crisp fifty-dollar bill as proof. "Take it or leave it."

Austin nods and snatches it up with no hesitation. "Done deal."

"Looks like I'm not the only one that got stuck in the nosebleed seats," a voice interjects from the other side of Kelly. There sits a tall, handsome young man with the most amazing, aerodynamic chestnut brown hair in the history of the human race.

"We like to call it the Possibly-Could-Object-to-the-Wedding Penalty Box," Kelly explains.

"She likes to call it that, not me," Austin adds. "Hey man. I'm Austin Tucker and this is Kelly Parker."

"Razor," he introduces himself. "So you two here for the bride or the groom?"

"The bride," Austin replies.

Kelly snorts. "More like Aus is the ex of the bride."

Austin glares at her. "And the bride hates Kelly."

"Heh, I think I can top that," Razor says, rubbing his hands together. "I used to have a monster-size crush on the bride and the groom used to be my best friend. I met her first and he totally cut in on me when I left town. Now, they didn't even ask me to be the best man! I would have totally settled for wedding singer, but not even that."

Austin and Kelly just stare at him.

"Yeah, I think you win, bro."

Finally the music starts and all the people stand. At the sight of Emily walking down the aisle in her simple yet pretty white dress, Austin claws through Kelly's clutch for the flask. Everyone is too busy staring at the procession to care. It turns out that Payson is Emily's maid of honor and despite Austin's taunts about Payson and Nicky making a "cute best man and maid of honor" Kelly remains cool. Now if it were Kaylie Cruz, Kelly would probably be fighting Austin for that bourbon.

Surprisingly the wedding itself goes by smoothly with no objections, probably because those currently in the Possibly-Could-Object-to-the-Wedding Penalty Box are either stealing sips of alcohol or flirting. Austin feels nauseas hearing Kelly _trying_ to flirt. Usually when she's drunk and incoherent all she really does is giggle, smile and be cute and that alone draws the boys. Sober Kelly has no game whatsoever and it's painful for Austin to witness.

Either Razor is deaf or desperate because he's eating it up.

Trying to drown out that train wreck happening next to him, Austin gazes out at Emily and Damon and sees how happy they seem together. It makes him feel bad for driving over to her house, drunk off his ass the other night and begging her not to get married. It makes him feel even worse that she told him to go home and now she's married.

It isn't like he was in love with Emily Kmetko. At least, not that Austin was ever ready to admit. He never felt very challenged by her, but she is the only person he ever truly felt comfortable around outside of his circle of friends AKA Nicky and Kelly. When she said that she had a boyfriend Austin never pushed it. It was always enough to just be friends until he found out that she was getting married so young.

"No, it's an awesome Wedding Game," Razor says. "They make the wedding party sit together at the reception, puts em' on display like pretty little dolls or something, and we each put down some cash and pick which of the bride's maids we think is going to puke first. Winner gets the pot."

"Ooh, I call dibs on Kaylie!" Kelly says excitedly.

"No," Austin says. "Dead giveaway. We all know Kaylie's first down for the count."

"You never know," Kelly says. "Lauren Tanner was one of the bride's maids. How she manages to look sluttier than all the other girls when they're all wearing the same dress is beyond me."

"Talent, I think," Razor adds.

The chapel is almost completely empty and that's when Nicky finally walks towards them after taking pictures with the wedding party and Austin quickly stands, meeting him halfway. Austin immediately notices the way Nicky is looking over his shoulder and at Razor and Kelly and he doesn't seem to like it one bit. The last thing Austin needs is their specific brand of drama. He isn't nearly drunk enough for that.

"Hey," Nicky says. "How are you holding up?"

"Ready to party is what I am," Austin says with a brave smile. "And by party, I mean drink till I break out in Taylor Swift songs. Please tell me you're done with the best man gig. I do not want to be left alone with these two anymore, Nicky."

"Who is that guy?" Nicky asks suspiciously.

"Apparently Damon replaced him with you and Emily replace him with me," Austin says. Nicky doesn't get it, but Austin doesn't feel like explaining either. "He calls himself Razor. What is that? Like the scooter? I don't know. Kel is looking to bang him. The second we get to the reception I am force feeding her shots because Sober Kelly has got no skill, like, at all, like a one-legged stripper trying to work a pole."

"I really wish you didn't tell me that," Nicky grimaces.

"The part about Kelly wanting in that dude's pants or the one-legged stripper analogy?"

"Both, actually," Nicky replies. "And no, best man duties are not done."

Austin scoffs. "Fine. Then I'm following Kelly's lead and embracing the Razor. He's officially our Nicky-replacement for the night. Sorry Charlie, no gold ticket for you. Auf Wiedersehen. You're out."

Nicky frowns. "That isn't nice."

"I don't care. Since the first thing on my list is to get Kelly liquored up, I'm going to need a wingman later on because I'm planning on making out with all of Damon's hot cousins. Why Kelly always _always _insists on screwing my chosen wingmen is beyond me—"

"Okay, Austin, you've been drinking and it isn't even dark out," Nicky says. "You need to relax. You know, if you don't want to go to the reception, it's okay—"

Austin chuckles. "You kidding? We checked out a suite with a bowling alley, dude. We're gonna run up Damon's tab at the open bar and then we're taking the after party upstairs. Too much awesome to pass up. You better believe it's going down tonight."

"Alright," Nicky says. He worriedly glances over at Kelly and Razor once more. "Now back to _that_. You know she's only toying with the guy to get back at me for the whole me using Kaylie to taunt her on the drive here thing, right?"

"Aww, Nicky, that's a little arrogant of you to think, isn't it?" Austin jokes.

"No," Nicky says. "I just know Kelly and _that_ looks like a mistake waiting to happen."

Austin smirks evilly. "Well, fifty bucks and _that_ won't be an issue. That's an Austin Tucker guarantee."

Nicky looks at him shiftily. "Fifty? Seriously?"

Austin sighs dramatically. "Fine. Whatever. But you'll be the one holding back Kel when she's throwing her shoe at the dude and screaming things about a baby daddy."

Austin holds out his palm and Nicky groans, fishing into his back pocket for his wallet. He grabs a fifty from the leather pocket and begrudgingly slaps it into Austin's palm.

"God bless, buddy," Austin says.

"Yeah, sure. Just promise me you won't cause a scene at the reception," Nicky says. "Cool?"

Austin grins. "Like a penguin on ice, bro."

-XX-

_5 hours later…_

The wedding reception is probably the most ridiculous in the history of wedding receptions.

The food is decent and the band that plays is the first one that Damon worked to turn into a worldwide sensation. They have a slideshow complete with baby pictures, leotards and guitars. Even the traditional cutting of the cake is adorable and picturesque as they feed each other bites and smear a little across each other's faces. No one really knows at what point it all goes downhill, but it does and in style.

Razor and Austin team up to liquor up every one of the bride's maids, which makes for an interesting tossing of the bride's bouquet. Emily has her back to them and before she can toss it, Lauren and Kaylie drunkenly decide to hash out old issues right in the middle of the dance floor with Payson trying her best to referee and remind the other two why they're here. It somehow lands at Kelly Parker's feet and she tramples over it on her way for a refill from the bar.

Chloe Kmetko attempts an inspirational speech and bursts into tears at least three times throughout the night. Austin tells Razor that Kelly used to be a dude before the surgery, which makes the musician then set his sights on the more vulnerable girls that Payson seems to be trying to safeguard. At one point the dance floor looks like one of those scenes out of those Bollywood movies, synchronized dance moves and all. Austin then devotes the rest of his night to finding out what they're drinking/smoking/tripping on and he vows to get a taste of it himself.

Nicky and Kaylie catch up on old times and Kelly effectively causes a scene, stomping heels and breaking plates as she does so. Luckily, Austin swoops in and despite her cursing at him, he throws Kelly over his shoulder, gives the two a grin and takes her back to the bar where they do shots until the Electric Slide starts playing and a giggly, _gone_ Kelly Parker somehow pulls him out onto the dance floor amongst the racing slights and hot bodies. All the excitement and alcohol is almost enough to make him forget about Emily. Almost in one second and then not at all in the next.

Austin thinks of the last thing he said to Emily Kmetko-Young as he staggered out of the ballroom, determined to take the party elsewhere.

"_Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you__."_

Emily smiles and gives his arm a squeeze, taking in his joking tone. She completely misses the sadness in his eyes as he glances at her from over his shoulder for the last time.

The night proved to be awesome (they – Nicky, Kelly and Austin – woke up in the suite's Jacuzzi, half-naked and chest deep in Louis Roederer _Cristal – _definitely a first_)_, but there are a few things that Austin wishes he didn't remember. Saying that and seeing it fly completely over Emily's head is definitely one of them.

And that he lost the hundred dollars he made off Nicky and Kelly to Razor of all people.

Indeed, Damon's hot cousin #2 was the first bride's maid to puke.

* * *

A/N: Sorry it's been so long, lovers! I got a little caught up in some stuff recently, but don't worry. No abandonment here. Please review and show me the love!

xoxo


	10. The One where NKA Heart Harry Potter

Disclaimer: These unrelated oneshots are in no way meant to be taken seriously and the characters are purposefully exaggerated and a bit "OOC" because if they weren't then they wouldn't be much fun. I'm having fun writing these so hopefully you enjoy reading these.

A/N: I haven't seen Deathly Hallows yet so there aren't any spoilers! Rest assured.

* * *

**The Ridiculous Misadventures of NickKelAus **

_The One where NKA Heart Harry Potter  
_

-XX-

_You can't like __Harry Potter__ and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive._

-XX-

Nine o'clock on the dot, Nicky parks his truck out in front of Kelly Parker's house and shuts off the engine. He checks his wallet for maybe the seventh time since he left his apartment, knowing Kelly will throw the bitch fit of the century if he forgot their tickets. He smiles to himself, trying to contain his excitement for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Though Nicky isn't dressed up or anything like that, he doesn't even try to hide his love for the series. After all, he did grow up reading the books. He somehow convinced Kelly to read the books when they were children and so did Austin. It's one of the few things they all have in common besides gymnastics.

Rounding the front of his car and walking to the front door, Nicky sees the house is completely lit and Austin's motorcycle is already parked in the garage. Taking the steps two at a time, Nicky reaches the front door and rings the doorbell. He knows he could just invite himself in since Kelly doesn't even bother to lock the front door. It's something he's lectured her about before, but being Kelly Parker, she just laughs in his face and calls him paranoid. Incase her stepmother is actually conscious Nicky rings the bell, not wanting a repeat of the last time the strung-out woman wacked him with a broomstick.

When the door opens, Nicky finds Kelly and his eyes almost bulge from his their sockets.

Kelly giggles. "Jeez, Nick, perv-out much?"

"Wh—what are you wearing?" he stutters.

Kelly takes a step back and combs her fingers through her straight dark hair. She's weary a black mini dress that barely touches her thighs, black leather boots and a wool scarf clinging around her neck. He wouldn't be surprised if she knitted it herself being a closet crafter and all. The scarf has a pattern of green and gray alternating stripes. Slytherin, of course. How fitting.

"I'm not enough of a dork to fully dress up, but I was feeling in a festive mood," Kelly explains. "Austin already dubbed me the Slytherin Slut, but it's a good thing no one cares what he thinks, right? Your facial expression just then was all the encouragement I needed."

Nicky gives her another look over. Sometimes he just can't help himself.

"Did he really call you a slut?" Nicky asks protectively.

Kelly rolls her eyes. "Yup. He's just bitter I told him you'd make a better Harry Potter than him what with your pasty complexion and all. Plus, he's already on his, what, fifth butterbeer. I think at one point he started drinking the butterscotch schnapps straight."

Nicky groans. "And you weren't supervising?"

"Nick, how could I?" Kelly pouts playfully. "I was making myself all hot for you."

She's giving him that look that says 'I'm sure as hell not making out with you while Harry freaking Potter is on the screen so we should fit in a quickie right now.' Nicky just groans and tries to sidestep her, making his way into the house. Kelly shifts just in time so that he brushes against her as he walks inside. She grins to herself. Kelly Parker relishes in the little victories like that.

Nicky goes straight to the kitchen and that's where he finds Austin sitting on the counter amongst a full blender, a carton of melting vanilla ice cream, some empty trays of ice cubes, butterscotch topping and a clutter of empty glass bottles of cream soda and butterscotch schnapps as Kelly mentioned. Austin, with backwards lightning bolt drawn on his forehead, tilts his head back, sticking the nozzle of a can of whipped cream in his mouth.

"Wow," Nicky murmurs. Really, he shouldn't be surprised.

"Nicky!" Austin shouts, licking the whipped cream from his lips. "Finally! Someone who'll pregame with me! Kel is being a total fun sponge clean teen tonight."

"Because I have training first thing in the morning," Kelly says defensively, walking into her trashed kitchen. "Marty would kill me if he even knew I was going to the midnight showing. He might have a stress stroke if I show up to DE hungover tomorrow."

"She has a point, Aus," Nicky says.

"Russo, don't be a girl," Austin taunts. "Dude, I made a poor man's butterbeer. Are you seriously turning it down right now? What kind of Harry Potter fan are you?"

Kelly burst out in laughter. "Did you look in the mirror, drawing that lightning bolt?"

"So?" Austin says. He grabs a nearby bottle of what looks to be vodka before he takes a swig and then immediately brings the can of whipped cream to his mouth. It's a recipe for future projective vomiting.

"What's going on with you?" Nicky asks cautiously, narrowing his eyes at Austin.

"He got into a fight with his _girlfriend_," Kelly teases. "Barf."

Nicky inwardly winces. He still doesn't see how Austin Tucker and Kaylie Cruz make a functional couple though he has accepted that he missed his chance with her and Austin apparently took that chance. It still makes him uncomfortable to think that his good friend is dating the girl he almost saw himself falling for, but there really isn't anything he can do at this point.

"Fighting about what?" Nicky asks. He doesn't know why he wants to know, just that he does.

"She said Twilight is the new Harry Potter! That Twilight _replaced_ and _surpassed_ Harry freaking Potter! Dude, can you believe that?" Austin yells heatedly. "Then she goes on to try to make a case of it based on the 'hotness' of the guys. Please. That shit don't fly with me. No way José."

"What do you expect? The girl dresses like a cotton candy machine exploded all over her and she liked it," Kelly says with disgust. "Makes sense that she's a twihard. Eww. She has no taste whatsoever. Don't even get me started. Harry Potter is _so_ pure. Twilight is teenage girl porn."

"Amen," Austin says. As if synchronized, Kelly puts up her hand and Austin gives her a quick high-five. "And that's why I broke up with her."

Nicky's eyes widen and Kelly can't help, but giggle wickedly.

"You broke up?" Nicky asks just to make sure he heard right.

"And get this, as I'm walking away she shouts 'you were no Edward Cullen anyways!' after me! Ha!" Austin shouts. "Oh my God, guys. She's a total Bella whatever the hell her name is. Kaylie went from refusing my help and bitching me out to turning into a Stage 5 Clinger so fast I think it gave me whiplash. Christ. Next time I try to date a gymnast just give me a bottle of whiskey and talk me out of it."

"That can be arranged," Kelly says cheekily.

As much as Nicky wants to believe it, he doesn't get his hopes up. They'll probably make up in a matter of days if not hours. Austin isn't stupid. A little rash and a little drunk, sure, but he knows what a catch Kaylie Cruz is. He won't be able to give her up without a fight.

"Anyways," Austin sighs, "Butterbeer? I didn't spike the entire blender, just my mug."

"Liar," Nicky and Kelly say in unison.

They know him all too well.

"Fine," Austin scoffs. "Well, I don't wanna waste it. Wanna see me chug the entire blender?"

"Wait," Kelly says, grabbing her BlackBerry and accessing her camera. "Let me record it."

"Only if you let me lick lines of whipped cream off of you," Austin says. His eyes are already half-lidded and his smile lazy. From his ranting, it's already apparent that he's at least buzzed so his bold proposition isn't very surprising.

"No," Kelly says sternly. Sober Kelly's iron refusal isn't shocking either.

Austin just sighs and shrugs his shoulders. "Well, it was worth a shot."

Perched on the counter, Austin removes the glass pitcher from the blender and brings the edge up to his lips. Amused, Nicky pounds his fists against the counter and Kelly joins him in chanting "chug" over and over again. If Austin Tucker is anything, anything at all, it's amusing in the best possible sense of the word. As Austin gets closer and closer to the bottom of the pitcher, Nicky and Kelly's encouraging cheers get louder and she captures it all on video.

When he has maybe three gulps left, Austin freezes with a look of horror on his face.

"BRAINFREEZE!"

Setting down the pitcher, Austin groans and clutches his forehead, falling off of the counter and onto the floor where he rolls around and makes pitiful sounds. Grinning, Kelly ends and saves the recording, mentally debating whether she should upload it to YouTube just for shits and giggles or keep it as blackmail for the future.

Curiously, Nicky takes the glass pitcher and traces the inside with his finger. He presses his finger into his mouth and his face instantly contorts in a look of disgust. Apparently instead of getting the right balance of ice cream, cream soda, butterscotch topping and just a hint of the schnapps, Austin made up his own proportions so it's mostly alcohol and only a hint of everything else.

"That's disgusting," Nicky says. He makes a scrunched face and Kelly smiles.

"Yeah, I don't get how he drinks like that either. It's a miracle he has something that resembles a liver left," Kelly says. "He's going to ruin the movie for us, isn't he?"

"Well, if security drags him out then we'll just pretend not to know him," Nicky says.

Kelly nods. "Good plan."

"I am a champion!" Austin shouts. He shakily stands from the ground once the brain freeze passes and he pumps his fists in the air. "Woohoo! Damn that was good! Dude, I bet I could even out drink Hagrid, that beautiful half-giant. Now Dobby, that silly house elf would have to go to detox for sure."

"It still amazes me that he actually read the books," Kelly muses.

Nicky gives her a sideward glance. "It amazes me that _you_ read the books."

"You know, I would totally bone that ginger from Harry Potter," Austin says randomly.

"Who? Ron?" Kelly asks teasingly.

Austin scoffs. "No."

"Fred and George?" Kelly laughs. "Can you say traumatic almost-threesome?"

"Kel, you're such a bitch sometimes," Austin groans. "You _belong_ in Slytherin."

In return, Kelly beams. "Well, I can't disagree there."

"Guys, are you sure we shouldn't leave early?" Nicky asks skeptically, glancing at the expensive watch on his wrist. "Aren't there people who've been camped out waiting to see the movie?"

"You're right," Kelly says. "I don't want crap seats. Seriously, I'm bringing my scissors. I swear, if someone sits in front of me with some kind of bad, big hairpiece I'm cutting it right off."

"Guys, chill," Austin says, waving them off. "We're important like Order of the Phoenix VIPs. I'm Austin Tucker. You're Kelly Parker. Nicky is our plus one. They'd kick them robed forty-year-olds straight out of their seats to accommodate us."

"Thanks a lot, Austin," Nicky says, clearly offended.

Completely oblivious, Austin grins and reaches over, trying to touch Nicky's face. "You're welcome, you silly muggle."

-XX-

_The next day…_

"Austin…Austin, wake up!"

He feels someone kicking at his shin and groans. Slowly as his senses return, Austin feels the pounding in his head turn more prominent the more conscious he becomes. He's sitting on something cold and hard and he's pretty sure his ass is asleep. Austin slowly manages to open his eyes and he sees that his arms encircle a bucket full of popcorn and a stuffed owl buried within. He's draped in a black robe and he doesn't remember going as far as to full-on dress up when they left for the movie theater last night.

"Seriously, Aus, we're leaving for DE in fifteen and if you're still here when the StepMonster wakes up she will likely chase you around the house, trying to kill you with whatever is nearby," Kelly explains. Blinking up at her, Austin sees that she's dressed for practice, hair up in buns and all. Fuck. That means it's Friday morning.

"Kelly," he groans. He rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand, trying to wake up and quick. "Why did you let me drink so much last night? I blacked out and missed the movie!"

"Really?" Nicky says, looking rather entertained. He too is dressed for the gym, sipping a glass of orange juice. "So you don't remember yelling 'its Harry Potter's birthday' and 'try-outs for the Quidditch team are on Thursday!' over and over throughout the previews?"

Realizing he's propped up against the kitchen counter, Austin groans again. He carefully sets down the bucket of popcorn before he slowly falls over onto his side, curled up on the floor. His muscles are all tight and his neck is sore. How he gets himself into these situations over and over again is still beyond him.

"Was I really that bad?" Austin asks hoarsely, almost afraid of the answer.

"Well, I don't think I've ever seen such a big group of wannabe wizards turn into an angry mob so quickly in my life and all because of you," Kelly says. "Some guy dressed as Harry Potter started waving his want in your face, shouting, 'silencio' at you. Then you punched him in the face and security dragged you out before the opening sequence could even play."

"But you literally talked in nonstop Harry Potter references the entire night which was pretty impressive," Nicky adds.

"Wow." Austin laughs and scratches his head. He stares at the bucket of stale popcorn and the little owl with its big, black button eyes, looking over the edge and down at him. Pointing at the owl, Austin asks, "So who did I steal this little guy from?"

"No idea," Nicky says. "When the movie got out, we found you passed out in the parking lot and you just had it. The one time I tried to take it away from you, you tried to bite me, shouting something about Death Eaters."

"Wait, so I got kicked out and you guys saw the movie without me?" Austin asks.

"Yup," Kelly says guiltlessly. "Harry Potter is the shit."

"Heh, I would have done the same thing," Austin murmurs. He finally tries to stand, clinging to the counter and lifting himself up. He undoes the strings around his neck and yanks the robe off. That's when he sees the bandage on his arm. Silently praying it isn't some sort of stab wound or infection, Austin carefully peels it off and his eyes grow to the size of saucers.

"Austin loves Voldemore!" he shouts. "Dude, what the fuck is this?"

"Hmm, looks like a new tat to me," Kelly says carelessly. She's rushing around the kitchen, making a protein shake and caring little for the look of complete dead on her friends face.

"Yeah, that was already there when we found you too," Nicky adds, continuing to sip his juice. "Well, look on the bright side, Aus, at least everything is spelt correctly."

"It's going to be a bitch to laser off," Kelly giggles.

"This isn't happening," he groans, staring down at the convincing black ink. Going straight to the sink, Austin rubs at his arm, hoping it's just sharpie or something. He squeezes nearly half the bottle of the dishwasher soap onto his arm and starts scrubbing furiously.

"Hey!" Kelly calls. "Rule one about getting new ink is no soaking!"

"It isn't coming off!" Austin shouts, frustrated.

"Generally, tattoos don't, Tucker," Nicky reminds him.

Suddenly Austin's phone starts to ring and he towels off before searching through his pockets. When he finally finds his phone, Austin sees that he missed the call and it says it's from 'Lavender Brown.' So are another three missed calls. The other four are from 'Dumbledore.' Austin groans. He must have drunkenly renamed everyone in his phonebook. Again, not something new, but usually he has Sunday to recuperated. He was expected at the Rock a good half an hour ago.

"Fuck my life," he grumbles. "Shit. I gotta get back to Boulder."

"You sure you're okay to drive back?" Nicky asks, concerned.

Austin just scrubs a hand over his face and smirks at his fellow gymnast friends. "I won gold hungover. Taking Lolita home should be cake."

"Whatever you say," Nicky says. "Take care, man."

After a quick goodbye, Austin picks up his bucket of popcorn with the owl in and makes his way to the front door, trying to decode all the nonsense in his cell phone as he goes. Nicky finishes off his glass of orange juice just as the front door slams shuts and he turns to look over at Kelly who takes a small sip of her morning shake.

"Hmm, so should we tell him the tattoo is henna?" Kelly asks once she's sure Austin is gone.

"Nah. Just like how we're not going to tell him that we're the ones who renamed everyone in his cell phone," Nicky says. Grinning, he steals Kelly's shake from her and takes a long sip.

Kelly smiles, looking impressed. "You so secretly belong in Slytherin with me."

Nicky grins. Harry Potter weekend is off to an awesome start.

* * *

A/N: Silly muggles, review please!

xoxo


End file.
